5 Things that Utterly Scrambled My Goat this Morning. . .

1. Bug Dude

There’s a huge green grasshopper stalking me.

And I’m a little flattered that someone cares enough to do so.

2. Unfriendly Chick

I mean, seriously, I get that it’s retail– coffee-flavored retail, grant you- but retail nevertheless… And working retail sucks all sorts of hairy monkey balls on the best of days…

But you work at Starbucks, dude… You’re s’pose to make me feel like the grouchy bitch that I am and demand that I be more chipper… you’re not s’pose to be so bloody sullen and depressed.

Now, instead of walking out all caffeinated and refreshed, I just feel dirty.

3. Bitch in the Box

Believe it or not, there’s actually a  small part of me that is constantly demanding that we skip on the foreplay and get right down to the thick of  things as quickly as possible…

Of course, most of the time, I totally ignore that part.

Thankfully, iTunes totally doesn’t.

A quick click of a button, and I’m good.

Of course, when gratification is so close at hand… I often tend to get super greedy and super click-y. Which is all fine and dandy since I totally get the pay to play aspect of this relationship…

Matter of fact, I embrace it.

What I don’t embrace, however, is the silly system that lets me click and click (and click and click and click) and doesn’t bother to charge me until a week or two down the road…

In one freaking giant lump sum.

That I have to hide like a bad gambling debt.

And consider selling either a liver or a really good time to make up for it.

4.  Chick Checking Herself Out in Rearview Mirror

Yeah, honey, that Bump-it is still on your head… and it doesn’t look any better than you thought it did when you left the house this morning…

And your friend there? The one telling you how cute it is and that you’ve never looked better and recommended that you wear it with the spandex-esque skirt?

She’s what we southern ladies call an ‘bold-faced lying uber-cunt’.

5.  … And Goddemmit, could it be any freaking hotter?

July 23, 2010
Categories: Daily, Only Judith
Tags: ,
  • LOL

    Hey, You have a major award at Insane World! Come and get it!


  • Love it! And yes it is freakishly HOT.

  • I think it’s an omen that I came over here after getting my Amazon on… the ugly step-sister to iTunes.

    It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

  • it is TOTALLY the humidity!

  • ali
  • Bummer about your Starbucks experience, they actually sang to us this morning through the little micro box as we waited for the line to move. We were rolling laughing so hard. Made my morning.

    • Judith Shakespeare

      See??? That’s what I expect from Starbucks— cheerfulness so extreme that it makes your teeth hurt. I can get grumpy at home and save myself $5.

  • Ok, so I realize I’m months behind the game. But I follow you on Twitter and came over to see what the hell you write about when you’re not limited to 140. Love da snarky voice in all of us – you sing extra loud in the choir – congrats! ;) Stop over the tracks to my neck of the woods when you get a moment (http://RNTGirl.com). I’ll make crumpets or microwave popcorn.

1.©2010 by Courtney Hebert as Judith Shakespeare.
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3.Blog title courtesy of Oscar Wilde, pseudonym Virginia Woolf, design JudithShakes.