Dear Maria,

Have I told you how very happy you have made me? We've created so many beautiful memories together that I can't even begin to list them all… rendezvous on the sidewalk, nights in front of the telly, erotic jaunts in the bookstore, and I'll never ever forget all of those simply fantastic hours that we spent naked in bed while singing Beatles' songs at the tops of our lungs.

This relationship- this romance- has been nothing short of magical, and I thank the universe every day for bringing you into my life.

Alas, this love, like all things wonderful, must come to an end. It's not you… No, never ever you. You are all things perfect and immoral. It's me.

You see… I've found someone else. Her name is Judith. She's pasty and freckled and incredibly geeky, but she has these fabulous tattoos in the most interesting places, can drink me under the table, and makes the best Gumbo that I've ever tasted.  (Plus it doesn't hurt that she's quite limber.)

And she rocks my socks off.

I am so sorry that things had to end this way, especially on a blog post of all things… (I wanted to text you, but Judith said that at least this way, you'd get some linky love. Isn't she sweet? How could I not worship her?)

I will always look back on the time we spent together fondly and hope that you will too.

With the utmost respect,

Jonathan

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To all of my readers who think that I've finally split my lid (or finally caught that magical band of Vicodin fairies that live under my bed), worry not! It's just a little friendly "get your hands off of my man or I will CUT you" banter between two friends (be sure to catch us on Jerry next week).

Judith