Dear Guy Behind Me in the Walmart Checkout Line,

The fact that you thought it appropriate to reach up and touch the tattoo on the back of my neck without warning (or invitation) really creeps me the fuck out.

Sincerely,
Never Has Taser When She Needs It

Dear Starbucks Employee Who Handed Me Stack of “We Screwed Up Your Order, Have a Drink on Us” Coupons for No Reason,

I love you.

Eternally,
Caffeine Makes Me a Happy Girl

Dear People Who Write Grey’s Anatomy,

WTF, dudes???

Regards,
Thinks That the Whole “Smashing All the Bones in Someone’s Face in Case Contract Negotiations Fall Through” Plan is so Daytime Emmy

Dear Lady Who is Making Left-Hand Turn at Busy Intersection,

“Creeping” is only acceptable under one circumstance—every other instance is just plain douchebaggery.

Your friend,
Hoping to Run into Clive Owen Someday


Dear Showtime,

I.Told.You.So.

Love,
Nobody Ever Listens to Me


Dear Woman in Restaurant Who Huffed in Annoyance,

Common sense would suggest that had you NOT wanted your pretty little ears to be subjected to noisy children, you would’ve chosen a venue that didn’t offer crayons with their menus.

Regards,
Pinches Her Children to Make Them Scream Even Louder in Hopes That Your Head Will Explode

Dear Cable TV Provider,

Thanks for offering such a  wide selection of adult programming… as well as no option to remove any of it from the guide.

Your loyal customer,
Can Think of Nothing Better Than Scrolling Through 95 Channels of Horny Housewives in order to find Noggin

Dear Lady at Workplace,

Why, yes! Asking me if my kids are “mixed” is entirely appropriate… If I bred dogs.

Yours truly,
Desperately Seeking Labradoodle

Dear Self,

You totally wrote this post just so you could use the word “douchebaggery”, didn’t you? Awesome.

xoxo,
Judith