This is a picture of my neighbor’s door.

As seen through mine.

In the middle of the night.

Yes, I’ve totally become that woman.

See that little pink note?

It says, “Knock softly. Baby is sleeping.”

The problem is, that baby’s been sleeping since we moved in two months ago. In fact, that baby’s been sleeping so long that part of me is convinced that it only wakes up in order to feed off whatever’s left of its parents’ bodies and catch the latest episode of Lost.

Because that show is exactly what a mutant demon baby from hell would find entertaining, no doubt.

So you can imagine how disappointed I was to discover that UPS might have mistakenly delivered a package intended for me to their door sometime last week.  According to the driver’s proof of delivery notes, he met “a woman”.

Which I think is postmaster speak for, “Demon baby ate my soul.”

The package was delivered on Tuesday.

On Friday, I sent the following email to the peeps at Cafepress:

Hello,

According the the tracking links provided, my latest order was delivered this past Tuesday.  Unfortunately, today is Friday, and I have yet to receive it.  I do believe, however,  that the UPS man was in my apartment building Tuesday evening and made a delivery to my neighbor across the hall.  My peephole is rather small, though, and I was unable to tell if the package was from you guys or not.

One would imagine that if my neighbor had received my package mistakenly, he or she would have brought it over between then and now.  However, as my neighbor is actually a mutant demon baby from hell, I am unsure as to what sort of time continuum under which is his working, so perhaps he thinks that it’s still Tuesday rather than Friday and plans to bring it over after his afternoon snack of helpless puppies or something.

As I do not wish to either disturb his nap or be eaten, I will not be able to see whether or not he has my order until my husband is home and can go over there for me.

On the off chance that the baby does not have my package or my husband does not return, what’s  my next step?

Thank you in advance for your help,

Judith

To which I received the following response:

Dear Judith,

I am sorry to hear you have not received your package. I have taken a look at your account and your tracking shows delivered on January 27th. I am now replacing your order and upgrading the shipping at no cost to you. You should receive your replacement order by February 4th.

If the demon baby does have the original order and returns it to you, there is no need to return it. Please go ahead and keep it as our way of apologizing for the delay and in condolences of your lost soul.

If there is anything else I can do for you please let me know.

Best Regards,

Michelle D.
CafePress.com Support Associate

Peter, of course, doesn’t believe in demon babies from hell. He insists that it really is just a new baby that sleeps a lot. I’ve tried to tell him that there’s no such thing, but he just looks at me like I’m insane. So I had no qualms whatsoever sending him on over to retrieve my package.

Turns out that the neighbor did have it.

Peter said that its mother apologized for not returning it sooner, that she’s been “busy” with the baby.

I asked if he actually saw “the baby”.

He said no.

And then he sniffed my neck.

Shit.

---

---

Demon babies aside, it seems as if I now have an extra package coming from CafePress. Which means that I’m getting an extra one of these (the shirt, not the man. Although that would make for a really interesting blog…):

Don’t you just love it? And since I only have one “minivan macho man”  in my life (my other one drives a shiny Volvo), I’ve decided to give it away to one of you. If you want it, let me know in  a comment on this post (feel free to comment regardless *hint*hint). Extra entries for tweets, plurks, facebooks, and various other shameless acts of promotion, of course. So leave those in the comments as well. And I’ll pick a winner a week from today.

Now someone bring me an old priest and a young priest, would ‘ya?

---

P.S. Did you see me on The Pioneer Woman yesterday? Did ‘ya? Did ‘ya?