The first time I ever visited Peter's parents, I was totally thrown off by the various post-it notes stuck on random surfaces throughout their house. The one on the door said simply, "Be sure to close me." The one in the broom closet said, "Do not lean mop heads on wall." The one in the laundry room, "Pull lint trap out slowly." The was even one on the toilet lid that said, "Nothing but toilet paper please."

It reminded me of the info plaques at the museum…

Or necessary reminders for the simple.

Being an English major and all, you'd think I'd have picked up on the foreshadowing.

{Honey, this is your official and PUBLIC reminder that you will be watching the kids on Friday. This means that I expect no more blank looks and weird little floating question marks hanging about your head whenever I mention Twilight. Got it? Kthanxbai.}

18/365: Quick Fix

19/365: You can tell a lot about my mood based on my choice of lipstick and coffee for the day.

20/365: Next to Cleanliness

21/365: Not a Pimp

22/365: Judith Was Here

It's actually kind of depressing.

But I'm officially holding out for the Twilight opening. And I really really really want to see that movie. So I'm trying my best to keep an eye on my karma and not offend whoever it is that hands out the luck around here. [Insert flashbacks of The Boleyn Incident] So instead of giving some thought-provoking post on how to remove lipstick stains from leather boots and how such an act would fix the economy and give you shiny hair in the process, I'm including a copy of a recent text conversation that I had with my sister while sitting outside [in my car] of the urgent care clinic that she simply had to go to in the middle of the night because she was on death's door or something.

I'm leaving out the part about the midgets, though. Karma, remember?

Judith: You still alive????

Sick Sister: Saw the dr. They have to take the leg…

And then we talked about midgets.

Yeah…. I'm not going to get to see that movie, am I?

Demmit.

However, for those of you actually dedicated enough to read an entire blog post about an inane text conversation, the first person to identify the movie reference gets a nifty magnet. Oh. And the dead people one totally doesn't count. I'm easy in an entirely different manner, I assure you.

17/365: There's a Blog Post Behind This Image

The Scene:

Fade in.

Judith stands in front of a purse display in a large department store. She clutches a fabulous little leather bag in her hands as she debates the importance of eating this month versus the importance of having this purse on her arm. Food is quickly losing.

Judith is momentarily distracted by the arrival of a small posse of giggling girls. She takes in the perky breasts, ugly shoes, and happy chit-chat about a "hawt guy" and how girl 1 (or maybe it was girl 2?) "doesn't usually do that kind of thing but made an exception this one time" and guesses their ages to be in the vicinity of 19 - 22 years old.

Posse of girls passes Judith by and stops near the table of the Loop's Andy Warhol-inspired totes. Since the act will allow her a few more precious moments of groping the purse that she CANNOT afford, Judith shamelessly eavesdrops on the conversation nearby:

girl 1: Oooooh… Look at these!!

girl 2: Those are cute. Look at the soup can one…

girl 3: Those really are cute!!! I wonder if I need one…

girl 1: [reading the label and tag] Andy Warhol? Who's Andy Warhol?

girl 3: Oh you know… He's that author. He wrote those books… [pauses as she searches *unsuccessfully* through her head for a title] You know! You'd recognize them if you saw them. They're really popular.

girl 1: Oh yeah! That Andy Warhol. Okay! I think that I've read a couple of his books.

girl 2: [nodding her head enthusiastically] Me too, they're really good.

girl 1 and 3 add their equally enthusiastically nodding heads to the mix.

girl 1: Ummmm, you guys?  Is that woman over there laughing at us?

Posse turns to look at Judith.

Judith: [pausing to catch her breath] Ummmm… Yeah. Yes, she is.

Fade out.

Judith's Uplifting Reminders for Feeling Better About the Fact That You're Flat Broke and Can't Afford That Purse That Would Look Absolutely Smashing on Your Arm #1:

At least you're not stupid.

The [rest of the] latest in the 365 project:

16/365:...And Your Point is?

15/365: Promises (This was for the "Message to Obama" group over at Flickr.)

14/365: Hey Peter... (Otherwise known as "Turn it back to my show, assface.")

13/365: Halloween Discounts Rock

And then I do a happy dance.

And then I look forward to tomorrow.

Is it just me or does the world somehow seem a little more hopeful today?

"Hmmmm."

"I mean, really, don't you think I need a taser? It'll, like, keep me safe and stuff…"

"Well, if you start working at night or something then, yeah, it would probably be a good idea. But there's no way in hell that I'm buying you a taser right now."

"Wha?!@?#? How come?"

"Judith, I'm not stupid. Who do you think will be the first person to get tased whenever you get pissed off? And keep in mind that you get pissed off a lot."

"I promise I won't tase you. CROSS MY HEART."

"Yeah, whatever."

"No realllllly. I promissssse not to tase you. Ever."

"Uh-huh… And when I'm writhing on the floor in pain after being tased with a pink pocket-sized taser by my lovely wife, and I'm looking up at you saying, "You promised not to ever tase me!" You know what you'll say?"

"What?"

"I lied. Then you'll probably tase me again. Whore."

"… yeah. I probably would."

We have obviously been married too long.

7/365: The Baggy Jeans

8/10: I Have a Headache

9/365: Under the Hat (pardon the cleavage)

10/365:... Of Mine

11/365: Judy is a Punk

To see my 365 on a daily basis, be sure to add me to your contacts at Flickr or subscribe to my photo feed.

3 of 365

4 of 365

5 of 365

6 of 365

Interesting* things to happen to me since the last time we spoke:

1. I cleaned out the vacuum cleaner. Like really cleaned it out… Used a screwdriver and everything.
2. I painted my toenails purple. I hate purple. (It's a really confusing time in my life right now.)
3. I celebrated the fact that it's the perfect season for gumbo by eating enough to swim in.
4. I put together a Halloween costume for the baby that will either make her a very cute witch or an Olsen twin. I'm pulling for witch… but I'm skeptical.
5. I carelessly mixed daydreaming and driving and somehow managed to  pass up the turn to my sister's house not once but twice in one afternoon. Each by like six miles.
6. I burnt my hand. Stubbed my toe. Twisted my ankle. Poked myself in the eye. And shut my hair in the car door. I am the epitome of grace and agility.
7. I won an iPod. All is right with the world.
8. I realized that an Indiana Jones hat makes you hot. No matter how old you are.
9. I cried. Cleaning up the mess left behind by your daughter's paint session with your $40 bottle of foundation will do that to you.
10. I made this list. And am totally counting it as a blog post.

That is all.

2 of 365

Once upon a time, there was this gal named Judith…

This gal, who had only been married but a few years and had given birth to but one child and was therefore much "saner" than say…a gal who has given birth to three children?, worked as a personal assistant to a very cool, laid-back, totally unorganized entertainment lawyer.

This job was ideal in many ways…

One, said lawyer once was a music writer for the Village Voice and had hours and hours of envy-worthy memories and recollections that were wonderful to swim about in.

Two, said lawyer was also messy as all hell (in an artsy-fartsy way, of course), and Judith's pseudo-OCD loved her because it was never bored. (Pseudo-OCD: Everything doesn't necessarily have to be in its place… It just has to look like it is.)

Three, said lawyer sang folk music beautifully. Judith puffy hearts folk music.

Four, as a folk-singing entertainment lawyer, said lawyer was often surrounded by musicians. And, as we all know, Judith big puffy hearts pretty boys with guitars.

As I was saying…

An ideal job.

And one of the things that Judith loved most about her, outside of the stories and folk-singing and pretty boys, was her stationery*.  She had these two huge baskets full of blank postcards, note cards, greeting cards– all shapes, all sizes, from here and there, from now and then, on a plain, on a train…; and every few days or so, she'd remember someone's birthday or  suddenly have a wish to say hello to an old friend and would ask Judith to "simply pick out a card".

Judith thought that there was nothing at all "simple" about picking out a card from that collection, of course, and spent far too long sitting on the floor there in that office carefully digging through those giant baskets looking for the perfect card for someone that she had never met…

And firmly believed that the only way that she could have been any happier would be if a naked Gavin Rossdale suddenly appeared beside her and started reading aloud from her favorite Austen novels.

So it was only natural that once she outgrew her position with the very cool, laid-back, totally unorganized entertainment lawyer [Read: Got knocked-up. Again. And became a stay-at-home person that spends her days digging around in baskets of dirty underwear rather than note cards.]; Judith went out and started her own stationery* collection.

And every few days or so, she remembers someone's birthday or suddenly has a wish to say hello to an old friend and picks out the perfect card that is sure to make someone's day…

Then she sends them an email.

Good paper's expensive, yo.

Day One of 365

I've decided to try my hand at the 365 challenge that everyone seems to enjoy so very much. This means that you get 365 quasi-guaranteed quasi-pictures of quasi-me.

Now aren't you just the luckiest bunch of lucky people in the whole bloggity world?

No… don't answer that.

I've got a fairly decent little beer-buzz courtesy of Mr. Killian that I'd hate to ruin with a bout of squashed self-esteem. So just smile and nod, okay?

Smile and Nod.

(Yes, I realize that I can't actually see you smiling and nodding, but is it really that difficult for  you to just humour a gal for a few minutes while she pretends that you actually really really want to see 365 pictures of her? No… don't answer that either. Moving on now.)

Today's picture is brought to you by my very favoritist part of Alabama:

Free Haircuts.

And before you all start accusing me of shamelessly flaunting my goodies to someone other than the guy at the nearest Starbucks, I should probably let you know that my sister (the pregnant, hormonal, and all around "I will stab these scissors in your eye if you point out one more time the difference in the size of my ass today than yesterday" one) is a beautician.

Which means that she has already seen my goodies.

More times than she'd like, most likely.

And, today, I got bangs for the first time in like twenty years… Which makes them totally retro.

Which, in turn, gives me a good excuse to wear leg warmers again, right?  Yeah… ummmmm… You're smiling and nodding again, aren't you?

That's what I thought.

Sigh.

Wordless Wednesday

• Jason Patric once had a mullet. That makes it sort of hot in a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon sort of way.

• You will never fully understand that middle bit  in Across the Universe no matter how many times you watch it. So give it up already.

• No one but you would find it funny to name a set of triplets Spit, Spat, and Spittle. So give that up too.

• Seven and half if they're on sale. Nine if they're on clearance… but sixes? Not happening, honey. Not. Happening. Now stop crying and give the nice lady her box back.

• Your minivan is NOT cool..

• No, really, your minivan is NOT cool.  No matter what you name her it.

• The fact that the ledge in the shower in the new house is smaller than your pinkie toe is not an excuse to only shave a part of your leg.

• The fact that your favorite pumps only show three toes [per foot] is, however, a great excuse not to paint two of them.

• Legwarmers are back. WooHoo. Now you can be just as cool as your mini-van. Again.

• Concentrated laundry detergent was made for people who think that 'less is more'. You are not one of those people.

• Remember which door you used to enter Walmart.  Because it doesn't matter how many times you press that little button on your key chain in an effort to find where you parked, it won't work if you're on the other side of the lot. And you'll only manage look more confused and lost than usual.  And, yes, that is definitely possible.

• Only supermodels should throw cell phones at people. You are not a supermodel– use a bat. Or a jar of peanut butter. Both make a lovely "thud".

• Never trust an ugly vampire or a friendly mother-in-law.  One is simply the figment of someone's less than pretty imagination, and the other is a figment of yours.

• If you call everyone "Dude", chances are that your children will call everyone "Dude" as well.  This will actually be sort of cool, in a non-minivan sort of way.

• Epiphanies are those things that are born the moment after your mother tells you that she watches The Hills.  And, like having a child, your life will be completely different from that moment on. Trust me.

…To be continued, I'm sure.

Bang. Bang.

Shoot. Shoot.

Be sure to visit Sarcastic Mom for more Weekly Winners!

Or I could just admit that the closest I've ever come  to being all that is knowledge and coolness in terms of astrology is that day when I almost got a set of scales tattooed on my shoulder out of boredom, and the only reason I mentioned "Libras" is so that I mention a hot tattoo guy.

And he was hot.

Trust me.

And now that we've established my age as well as my affinity for hot tattoo guys, let's move on to the question of the day:

How many times did you watch Johnny and Baby do the dirty dance before you realized that that money from Daddy was for an illegal abortion?

No, really, it's an important question that I've pondered for some time. It's not quite as pressing as whether or not I can see Russia from my house, of course, but still…

Taking into account that the movie was released in 1987, my age, and the overall quality of parental supervision during that time where my mother absolutely loathed exercising but looked so damn good in a leotard that she taught six aerobics classes a week; I'm going to hazard a guess of at least a hundred, maybe two.

And I'm going to throw in well over 300 viewings of Grease before I had enough knowledge *ahem* under my belt to fully understand that "chicks'll cream" line.

Yes, we can lay it all at the feet of "you were too young to be watching movies like that anyhow". But the fact remains that I did— And, looking back at all of the hours spent in front of the television dialoguing along with the characters while perfecting the John Travolta in the bleachers hand point, somehow it just doesn't seem… fair. Like I was deprived of something. (Surely not the joys of an intricate plot or anything, but something, you know?)

Which is why I'd like to officially give thanks to Dolly Parton and the Chicken Ranch— who were kind enough to take pity on unsupervised children like myself and brave enough to skip the implied and innuendos altogether. After all, it may have taken me ten years to understand why Penny's doctor with the fold-out table stabbed her in the stomach…

But even I got that Texas had a whorehouse in it.

And that Aggie boys were made by dancing in their underwear in the backyard.

Testing…

One… Two… Three.

Can you guys hear me alright out there in the cheap seats? Great. Then let's get this party started, shall we?

Welcome to my first official post from Alabama. Madison, Alabama to be exact. It's a very nice little place just outside of Huntsville whose points of interest include a movie theater that serves both alcohol and sushi, a friendly neighborhood Starbucks barista who insists on giving me free coffee (yippee), and a babysitter in guise of a sister.

A babysitter.

Now, let me be perfectly clear here:

Shoe shopping without any spending money is depressing.

However, shoe shopping without any spending money while you're sipping on your free venti no-whip mocha with an extra shot while your children are happily spending a few hours with someone else is orgasmic.

Alabama  is also home to a bit of family— particularly my mother, two sisters (One fairly normal. The other often referred to as the "cracked egg"), and my niece. Therefore, there has been an inhumane amount of screaming, fit-pitching, name-calling, and all out insanity over the last few weeks… Just like the good ol' days.

By the by, did you know that "Ring Around the Rosie" is actually about the bubonic plague???

It seems that one of the early signs of the plague was a rosie red rash with a dark ring around it…  And since the common belief was that the illness was brought on by bad smells, people carried around poseys and other small bushels of flowers to serve as a counteraction.

That "ashes, ashes" part actually refers to what was left after the mass cremations, of course.

Humph.

I guess it just goes to show that a little tune and a  clever verse or two can make any kind of situation (even the plague) a little more joyful.

Now if only I could figure out something that rhymes with "How in the hell did I forget that my family is totally insane? Isn't that why I've been living so far away from them for so long? Is free Starbucks really worth all of this? And where did I put that bottle of vodka…"

Hello Alabama.

Now… I'm not entirely sure how the redneck hierarchy works, but I think that I just may be moving on up in the grand scheme of things.

Summary:

I'm in the process of moving and have been breathing and sleeping cardboard boxes and packing tape for the last week. I'll be back soon.

I hope.

(They do have internet in Alabama, right?)

(P.S. My birthday happens to be coming up next week, and if anybody who is *required by blood or marriage* to buy me a gift happens to be reading this blog , I'd really like the new Estee Lauder perfume. *hint. hint.*)

Which is totally possible.

So I tried the whole self-portrait thing which all of you seem to excel at... And either I'm half-vampire or I totally suck at this.

At least this one has the other half. That's gotta count for something, right?

Even the ones WITH the camera didn't work out as expected. Bah.

I'll stick to the greener patch, thanks.

...Oh Ruby Blue.

I loved that she was in the background picking up sticks while he's making his fighter's face... Foreshadowing, maybe?

Need more pictures? Visit Weekly Winners. Like now. Go. Really.