1. Your “all too expensive and useless” cell phone “accidentally” falls out of your car window and “tragically” lands underneath the moving tire… Two short days after I tell you that there’s no way in hell that you’re getting yet another “all too expensive and useless” cell phone.
2. You only know how to make one meal from scratch, and it’s oh-so-delicious and dripping with oh-so-fattening goodness that I’m tempted to jump finger-first into the art of bulimia in order to eat a fifth second helping. You fry up another tortilla as my ass grows…
4. You take obscene advantage of my loud voice and lure me into the following *very public* conversation about a laptop on display (not pictured) and then proceed to tell everyone and my mother about it every chance you get:
Husband: You sure this is the one you want…?
Husband: It’s a really thick one…
Me: I can handle a really thick one.
Sales Clerk: guffaw
5. You get a new cell phone, make me fat, shove the poor baby’s face into her birthday cake, make me talk all pornstar in front of people, and then you actually let me take a picture of you making this face and actually trust me not to publish it.