It’s Like Ra-i-ain…

Patiently waiting
Good book gone must-see movie;
Sure they’ll fuck it up.

Don’t really care though-
Even if it’s terrible,
Still great blog fodder.

Small towns suck big balls.
Dude? Two and a half hour drive?
You’re so shitting me.

Off to the city…
Ten o’clock feature it is.
Can’t get worse, can it?

Never ever say
"Can’t get worse, can it?"
You’ll so look stupid:

All Great Stories Have a Preface. So Do the Bad Ones:

So the Cynical Sister and I have been waiting for months for The Other Boleyn Girl to hit the theaters. We both really enjoyed the book and were excited once the previews started flashing by between the "Please Don’t Put Your Feet on the Seats" and the "This Film Has Been Rated Q for Whatever Reason" screens during our weekly Get Out of Jail Free escapes to the local theater.

So excited, in fact, that we’d remind each other on a weekly basis to "not forget about the movies on the 29th" as that was the release date according to the poster hung above the bathroom door at the local cinema and the trailer and the website and IMDB and the lips of every other  grown-up with no other form of excitement in their life other than the release of a new movie and the upcoming season premiere of The Tudors (I so less than three Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, don’t you?).

Don’t forget about the movies on the 29th.


Chapter I
Why Someone Would Include the Line "Small Towns Suck Big Balls" in a Friday Haiku (Now with Stage Cues!):

"I’m bringing a bag and am just going to sleep at your house tonight after the movie since I’ve got to work tomorrow morning," the Cynical Sister says over the phone on the morning of the 29th.

"Great. We’ll just catch the late show then… Less sixteen-year-olds in  blue eyeshadow and  sparkles,"  I reply.

[Fast-forward four hours. Our players now find themselves at the ticket counter of the local theater. They are not happy.]

"What do you mean you only play what they send you? See that poster? Yeah, that one RIGHT THERE HANGING ABOVE THE VERY BATHROOM THAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO CLEAN BUT DON’T EVERY NIGHT? THAT ONE THAT SAYS, STARTS FEBRUARY 29TH? THAT ONE? It’s February 29th. Now, I’d like to see THAT movie- the one from THAT poster. I’ll also have a small Dr. Pepper and a box of Jordan Almonds as well," I say, quite certain that all of the people in line behind me are staring at me slack-jawed because they too feel that this poor ticket- counter boy has simply lost his wits.

[Cynical Sister grabs Judith by arm and drags her away. Judith continues to rant about posters and bathrooms. Onlookers turn away in case crazy is contagious. One girl in blue eyeshadow snickers- which in turn causes both Cynical Sister and Judith to stop, point, and laugh. Girl in blue eyeshadow stops snickering but doesn’t get it. Cynical Sister and Judith fear that she never will.]

"Small towns suck big balls," we both agree. Call it "synchronized snark"… It’s like synchronized swimming, only less boring and bikini-free.

I check the Blackberry for nearest theater which is actually playing the movie and not just hanging its fucking poster above their dirty bathroom door.

I find two.

Two theaters.

Two theaters in one state.

Yep, it’s official.

Arkansas sucks big balls.

"Fine," CS says with a smile, "We’ll just take a drive next week… Two and a half hours ain’t so bad- especially if there aren’t any kids in the backseat, right?"

There’s hope for her yet.

Chapter II
But We Really Really Want to See This Movie…

[We pick-up on our story six days later: Judith has cooked dinner, straightened the house, and double-checked the showtimes. We meet a new character, Peter, who keeps the eye rolls at a minimum while setting the GPS to take Judith and Cynical Sister straight to the theater which is in an area of the city that they’ve never been to before.]

"C’mon, Kellye, it’s seven o’clock! If we’re going to make the ten o’clock feature, we have to leave right now."

"But my jeans are in the dryer…"

"Dude, they’ll dry on the way. It’s a two and a half hour drive. GET IN THE FUCKING CAR."

"Don’t fuck at me."

"Fine, I’m sorry. But get in the car, would ‘ya? As is, we’re not going to get home until after two…"

"I’m coming, but we’ll have to point all of the heater vents toward my ass."

"Done. Let’s go."

Chapter III
Seriously, We Really Really Really Want to See This Movie…

"Estimated Arrival Time is 9:43 pm," GPS Betty’s voice interrupts our conversation about the inherent insanity in driving two and a half hours in the dark to unknown places to see a movie that we’re certain is so different from the book that it’s sure to piss us off.

[Phone rings. Judith sings along with the Margaritaville ringtone while Cynical Sister answers. It’s Dad.]

"Hey hon, what’cha doin’," Judith and Cynical Sister’s Dad asks.

"We’re driving to Little Rock."

"You’re doing WHAT?!?!?!"

"We’re driving to Little Rock. We’re grown-ups. We can do that. Without asking you. Duh."

"But we’re about to get some seriously bad weather… up to eight inches of snow, blizzard-like conditions, sleet, rain… You mean to tell me that every one else in the entire freaking country knows that this weather is coming BUT YOU TWO?"

"Ummmm… yeah?" CS covers the receiver and relays Dad’s message to me. I shake my head and insist that the bad weather won’t be here until tomorrow.

"But won’t it technically be tomorrow in a couple of hours?"

"Shut-up, Kellye, and dry your pants."

[Cynical Sister hangs up with frustrated Dad only to have an equally frustrated Peter call with equally dire warnings.]

"Your husband wants to talk to you."

"Tell him not right now, I’m trying to see through the sleet."

Chapter IV
Did I Mention that We Really Really Want to See This Movie? or May You Rot in Hell GPS Betty

Did you know that you can completely confuse the hell out of GPS Betty just by taking the wrong exit and then keeping parallel to the interstate?

You can.

But she’ll catch on again… eventually.

Chapter V
Through Sleet and Snow, We Prevail (Sorta)!

"Dude, is that it on the left?" I ask excitedly. Plus, I can’t really see much through the ice at this point, so I need a bit of confirmation.

"Yep. That’s it. Thank God."

"And it’s not crowded. Woot."

[Phone rings. It’s Peter with more dire warnings: it’s already started snowing just south of us and the storm should be pretty bad within the hour.]

"Peter says that it’s about to be seriously bad out there… What do you want to do?" I ask the Cynical Sister.

"It’s up to you… I  mean, we came ALL this way…"

"…And my car handles snow pretty well…"

"…Plus the movie’s not going to be that long…"

"… And who knows when we’ll have the time to come back…"

"… And you’re a good driver…"

"Screw it, " I accept my dumbass moment with a smile, "we are seeing this damn movie."

We both laugh, grab our things, and  bundle-up for the quick jaunt in the freezing rain to the ticket counter… only to find a big white sign taped to the window that says:

CLOSED DUE TO INCLEMENT WEATHER. PLEASE COME BACK TOMORROW.

Chapter VI
…On Your Wedding Day

"Hey honey, we’ve decided to be smart and skip the movie and head on home… See you soon."

I ku. You ku. We all ku. Click here for more Haiku Friday.

March 7, 2008
Categories: Daily, Prose/Bros


1.©2008 by Courtney Hebert as Judith Shakespeare.
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3.Blog title courtesy of Oscar Wilde, pseudonym Virginia Woolf, design JudithShakes.