Classic.

A great word, isn’t it?

Classic.

The little black dress… The perfect shade of red lipstick… Chanel No. 5… Jackie O…

The Hitachi Magic Wand.

(Oh, c’mon, you knew it was coming. The title of this post has the words “nether regions” in it… And that’s not exactly a euphemism for “grandma’s favorite cookie recipe”, you know what I’m saying?)

Don’t know what a Hitachi Magic Wand is? Call your mom and ask her.

Seriously… Call her now. I’ll wait. (I’ve got something that’ll… ummm… help me bide the time.)

Good, you’re back! All enlightened now? Surprised that your mother knew all about what most people refer to as the Cadillac of all vibrators?  You really shouldn’t be. The Magic Wand has been one of the best-selling “personal massagers” (I think that that actually is a euphemism for  grandma’s favorite cookie recipe) for decades.

DECADES.

Which is totally why I had to have one.

Thankfully, the guys and gals over at EdenFantasys.com (adult toys, costumes, books, videos, et cetera) are well-stocked in the best-selling vibrator department, and I was able to get one quickly and discreetly (yes, I know what that word means…) delivered right to my doorstep.

Now… this is the part of the review post where I’d normally tell you how to set-up the product (plug it in to nearest electrical outlet), followed by instructions on how the product works (you… ummm… yeah), concluding with my thoughts on how well the product does whatever it is that the product is supposed to do (there are no words, trust me).

But I thought we’d just skip over all of that this time and go straight to the video:

(I giggle a lot here. Consider yourself forewarned.)

Okay, obviously, the wand is for stimulation of  an external nature (except for maybe that one time, at band camp), but there are several head attachments available for those of you who are more internally-inclined. And, yes, the thing is far from quiet (he said, “Sounds like a damn car,” I believe) but with good reason. (I’m guessing that it sounds like a damn car, because it has a badass motor in it. This is not a bad thing. Trust me.)

But the most important thing?

It makes the BEST. COOKIES. EVER.

In, like, microwave time.

You know what I’m sayin’?

Of course, you do.

Everybody likes COOKIES.

Even your mother.

Go ahead. Call and ask her.

I’ll wait.