Monday, October 20, 2008 | 28 responses | Filed Under: Daily
- The warning on the back of that tube of Clinique Thermal-Active Skin Refiner that says, "Avoid eye area." actually means: "If you're clumsy enough to get this shit in your eye, then you no doubt deserve the fires of hell that are currently burning through your retina. No, the pain won't stop anytime soon. And, yes, you may be blind by the time it's through… But your skin will look nice. Oh, wait? You're on your period? Oh, well, then scratch that skin looking nice bit — and just be glad you didn't get it in both eyes. Bet you'll pay more attention to the label next time, huh, dumbass???"
- Jason Patric once had a mullet. That makes it sort of hot in a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon sort of way.
- You will never fully understand that middle bit in Across the Universe no matter how many times you watch it. So give it up already.
- No one but you would find it funny to name a set of triplets Spit, Spat, and Spittle. So give that up too.
- Seven and half if they're on sale. Nine if they're on clearance… but sixes? Not happening, honey. Not. Happening. Now stop crying and give the nice lady her box back.
- Your minivan is NOT cool..
- No, really, your minivan is NOT cool. No matter what you name her it.
- The fact that the ledge in the shower in the new house is smaller than your pinkie toe is not an excuse to only shave a part of your leg.
- The fact that your favorite pumps only show three toes [per foot] is, however, a great excuse not to paint two of them.
- Legwarmers are back. WooHoo. Now you can be just as cool as your mini-van. Again.
- Concentrated laundry detergent was made for people who think that 'less is more'. You are not one of those people.
- Remember which door you used to enter Walmart. Because it doesn't matter how many times you press that little button on your key chain in an effort to find where you parked, it won't work if you're on the other side of the lot. And you'll only manage look more confused and lost than usual. And, yes, that is definitely possible.
- Only supermodels should throw cell phones at people. You are not a supermodel– use a bat. Or a jar of peanut butter. Both make a lovely "thud".
- Never trust an ugly vampire or a friendly mother-in-law. One is simply the figment of someone's less than pretty imagination, and the other is a figment of yours.
- If you call everyone "Dude", chances are that your children will call everyone "Dude" as well. This will actually be sort of cool, in a non-minivan sort of way.
- Epiphanies are those things that are born the moment after your mother tells you that she watches The Hills. And, like having a child, your life will be completely different from that moment on. Trust me.
…To be continued, I'm sure.
October 20, 2008
It is frightening how many of those I relate too and I adore Across The Universe.
He is soo damn hot.
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October 22nd, 2008
I'm a sucker for an accent too, honey. :)
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October 21, 2008
I have a pair of baby legwarmers. They are pink. There are no words for how awesome they truly are.
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October 22nd, 2008
WALMART is even carrying some really great ones… I just keep seeing them above my favorite pair of heels. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.
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October 22nd, 2008
And what in the hell is that in your avatar, may I ask??? You can't imagine all of the things that I've imagined it to be.
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October 21, 2008
Heh, I use the excuse that it's almost winter and I need more insulation in order to go a week without shaving my legs. It works though. Well, at least in my head.
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October 22nd, 2008
Never trust the things that work out well in your head, honey. Those are the types of things that get [me] in trouble.
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October 21, 2008
Mini-vans must be cooler than a station wagon… gave her to a new home and got a mini-SUV. Does the vampire and the MIL thing also apply to FILs?
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October 22nd, 2008
As my FIL has probably only said eight words to me since Peter and I met, I can't say for sure… In theory, though, YES. Most definitely, yes.
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October 21, 2008
LOL Amen.
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October 22nd, 2008
And Hallelujah too?
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October 21, 2008
L.M.A.O…… dude, I'm just so glad that we are friends!
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October 22nd, 2008
Wait… who are you again? *snicker*
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October 22nd, 2008
I'm the chick still waiting for you to call her back….. LOL
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October 21, 2008
OK - the ledge thing is such a valid excuse!
The shoe thing, however, is not… unless you never, ever, ever take your shoes off in front of other people. LOL
And minivans are cooler than station wagons, but only marginally.
Now, kindly point me to which entrance I used so I can have some vague hope of finding my car in the insane maze of a parking lot but please, please, please do not remind me that leg warmers are coming back into vogue.
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October 22nd, 2008
For the record, though, Peter and I were married for well over seven years before he ever saw my toenails unpainted. But perhaps I should have been a little more specific about that note and clarified that you didn't have to paint the other two the SAME color?
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October 23rd, 2008
Oh you crack me up!
OK - so long as they are painted - I don't care if all 10 are different colors!
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October 21, 2008
wait. do you know where i parked MY car perhaps??????
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October 22nd, 2008
Section 15.
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October 21, 2008
No! Minivans ARE cool. I know I'll be getting one someday, so don't ruin this for me.
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October 22nd, 2008
Ahhhhh… so you don't have one yet? Yeah, then it's probably best that you stay in that little bubble for a little longer. It'll make the whole experience less painful. :)
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October 21, 2008
I say we put on our legwarmers, watch Dirty Dancing together and talk minivan and other such things, that are important but not cool… Dude!
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October 22nd, 2008
Dude, you are totally on. It'll be rad and stuff.
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October 22, 2008
What's her name?
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October 22nd, 2008
??? Whose name???
My MIL? Her name is Satan.
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October 22nd, 2008
Your minivan, silly. *lol*
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October 22nd, 2008
Ahhhhh… please excuse my Homer Simpson moment. And her name is 'Gina. (She's big and red and when you open her up, a bunch of kids pop out. LOL. )
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January 5, 2009
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