• The warning on the back of that tube of Clinique Thermal-Active Skin Refiner that says, “Avoid eye area.” actually means: “If you’re clumsy enough to get this shit in your eye, then you no doubt deserve the fires of hell that are currently burning through your retina. No, the pain won’t stop anytime soon. And, yes, you may be blind by the time it’s through… But your skin will look nice. Oh, wait? You’re on your period? Oh, well, then scratch that skin looking nice bit — and just be glad you didn’t get it in both eyes. Bet you’ll pay more attention to the label next time, huh, dumbass???”

• Jason Patric once had a mullet. That makes it sort of hot in a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon sort of way.

• You will never fully understand that middle bit  in Across the Universe no matter how many times you watch it. So give it up already.

• No one but you would find it funny to name a set of triplets Spit, Spat, and Spittle. So give that up too.

• Seven and half if they’re on sale. Nine if they’re on clearance… but sixes? Not happening, honey. Not. Happening. Now stop crying and give the nice lady her box back.

• Your minivan is NOT cool..

• No, really, your minivan is NOT cool.  No matter what you name her it.

• The fact that the ledge in the shower in the new house is smaller than your pinkie toe is not an excuse to only shave a part of your leg.

• The fact that your favorite pumps only show three toes [per foot] is, however, a great excuse not to paint two of them.

• Legwarmers are back. WooHoo. Now you can be just as cool as your mini-van. Again.

• Concentrated laundry detergent was made for people who think that ‘less is more’. You are not one of those people.

• Remember which door you used to enter Walmart.  Because it doesn’t matter how many times you press that little button on your key chain in an effort to find where you parked, it won’t work if you’re on the other side of the lot. And you’ll only manage look more confused and lost than usual.  And, yes, that is definitely possible.

• Only supermodels should throw cell phones at people. You are not a supermodel– use a bat. Or a jar of peanut butter. Both make a lovely “thud”.

• Never trust an ugly vampire or a friendly mother-in-law.  One is simply the figment of someone’s less than pretty imagination, and the other is a figment of yours.

• If you call everyone “Dude”, chances are that your children will call everyone “Dude” as well.  This will actually be sort of cool, in a non-minivan sort of way.

• Epiphanies are those things that are born the moment after your mother tells you that she watches The Hills.  And, like having a child, your life will be completely different from that moment on. Trust me.

…To be continued, I’m sure.