On the Owning of a Kitten, Part I (A Guide by Judith Shakespeare)

Kittens, my dear friend, are very curious creatures.

They care not a whit for your sensibilities nor your culture and are quite happy to become that thing inside your household around which the entire world revolves. This, of course, may cause quite a bit of concern amongst the small people previously in the position of that thing and, in such cases,  a bit of cattiness is to be expected (do pardon the pun).

One must thoroughly check the clothes dryer before shutting its door.

This process should be repeated with the refrigerator, bathroom cabinets, and toilets as well.

Proper grooming is vital for all manner of man or beast. Your kitten is no exception. He should be groomed regularly and thoroughly, with no bramble left untangled and no eye un-gunked. It is very important that you not forget to file the nails as they tend to be overly sharp and will easily tear through all manner of fabric, furniture,  skin, and Prada. Various contraptions, such as clippers and specially made scissors, are available to aid  in the endeavor. This author strongly cautions against the use of the popular electric rotating-files as seen on your television screen, however, as the kittens used to test these files are obviously robot kittens and immune to the roll and thunder of the device.

Your kitten is most likely not a robot kitten and will not be pleased.

Neither will your arms.

The male gene in any species is known to cause particular peculiarities amongst its kind. Much as your male counterpart will fall asleep with his hand lovingly cupped over his unmentionables, your kitten will seek warm and safe places in which to keep his nethers fairly toasty. One such place is your nightstand, wrapped around your alarm clock. Or, perhaps, on your kitchen cabinet near your ever-running coffee pot.  If you are of the geek persuasion, for instance, your kitten may be at his most happiest with his scrotum pressed tightly up against the back of your laptop.

In such cases, this author recommends the frequent saving of your work as overheating is more than likely to occur.

A laptop stand with a fan is a great help. Your favorite local electronics store should have several models from which to choose.  A knowledgeable employee should be able to help you determine which models and brands best suit your needs based on the type of  machine, hours of use, and the size of your kitten’s balls.

Weekly measurements should be written down and handily placed in your reticule for just such purposes.

Current pet foods are formulated specifically with all of your kitten’s nutritional needs in mind. It is neither recommended nor encouraged that you supplement his diet with foodstuffs meant for only human ingestion. Promptly cover and put away any leftovers or take-out.  This, despite a sense of some logic, includes that plate of California Rolls from lunch. While the roll itself may be perfectly acceptable for digestion, that wasabi, in all likelihood, will be a terrible reminder of the reasons why this author insists that one should never allow a kitten to share one’s pillow.

In the next installment of this guide, one can expect to find project charts on the many uses of shredded toilet paper, step-by-step instructions for removing dried ramen noodle from your kitten’s ear, as well as several paragraphs on the mending of blinds.

Please stay tuned.

July 26, 2009
Categories: Daily, Eat Me, Martha Stewart!, I Heart Demerol


1.©2009 by Courtney Hebert as Judith Shakespeare.
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3.Blog title courtesy of Oscar Wilde, pseudonym Virginia Woolf, design JudithShakes.