Nicole Locher is my hero.

Don’t know who Nicole Locher is? Well, by all means, let me introduce you to her… Well, not her, exactly, but her clothing line:

Pretty little shirt, eh? Delicate and feminine with the added beauty of vintage-style embroidery.

It also says “will fuck for shoes”.

See? Right there. will fuck for shoes.

There isn’t a single shirt in the line that I don’t covet more than chocolate-covered orgasms. And trust me, I covet chocolate-covered orgasms. A lot.

"You Suck" This one would be perfect for little league games and PTA meetings...

"I Ain't Your Fuckin' Sweetheart" For those anxiously awaited date nights...

"Best Piece of Ass in Town" Sunday brunch wear...

"I really need fucking coffee" I would wear this shirt, like, EVERY DAY...

"Fucked in the Head" This would be my top-of-the-line, mommy-forum visiting shirt...

Unfortunately, while I have no doubts whatsoever at all in my ability to somehow manage to display these beauties as properly as they deserve- even in a normal toddler-inspired-and-appropriately-censored daily routine such as my own (see proposed schedule above); at $87 bucks a pop, they regretfully must forever remain on my Thou Shalt Covet Forever (Or At Least Until You Somehow Miraculously Become a Popular Blogger and People Actually Start Paying You to Write About Kotex Diapers and Busted Vibrators– Which Ain’t Never Gonna Happen Because You Suck) List.

Unless, of course, you want to buy me one.

Then I’d totally give you that hand job.

Or send you naked pictures of the hubby.

Whichever.

On a cheaper note (although one must wonder how much cheaper one can get than giving up the goodies for a shirt…), OHMommy is giving away a pair of fabulous shoes from a surprising source. You should check it out.

No fucking required.