… people are going to think that I’m a leopard.

This is My Hat...

Not the picture, of course...

You know… This week was actually supposed to be “Bash Peter Week” [insert Judith’s husband bashing clause] here at The Only Thing I Know on account of the big honking hickey the man left on my neck last weekend during what was supposed to be a harmless round of “Dude, I totally had to slap you on the ass with that mop… Your reach is longer than mine, and there’s no way I could have done it with my hand and still gotten away.”

Yes, I said “hickey” and “Bash Peter”.

What I didn’t say was “…’s head in”.

Although I was totally thinking it.

It being only my second hickey in…like… EVER, I found myself at a loss on how one might go about unplugging the cord to that brand-new neon sign hanging around my neck that said, “NOT a curling iron burn.”  So I did what any self-respecting thoroughly branded gal of obviously little morals should and bought a new scarf. Which I was forced to keep on at all times.  Even though it made my neck look a little squaty. (And squaty is totally a word. I think.)

And in order to give him a small taste of the retribution in store for him, I had planned on regaling you all with several clever little anecdotes about how the man actually dropped his $400 cell phone out of the car window and then managed to back the car over it [read: why men shouldn’t use their mobiles while driving], why is that he gets so pissed off every time I say,  “were you naked and barefoot at the time?”, and all the juicy details on his last alien abduction.

I even had a really really great “If you ever show anyone that picture, I’ll take you out to the creek…” picture to post…

But then I got really busy.

So I’ve decided to just stick some Nair in his shampoo bottle instead.

Although I may just wait a week or two…

Because he really does have his cute moments:

Peter, staring dreamily at a huge truck with all of the necessary amenities to give a guy a hard-on for at least a year or two, “I really want that truck.”

“Sure. I’ll go buy you one tomorrow.”

“Really? Because I would do absolutely anything for you- whatever you want- if you buy me that truck.”

“Anything?”

“Yes, ANYTHING.”

“Okay… fine. Although I don’t know how you plan on getting Johnny Depp off of his island…”

“Hmmmm… Let me make a few calls, and I’ll see what I can do.”

December 13, 2008
Categories: Daily, I Heart Demerol


1.©2008 by Courtney Hebert as Judith Shakespeare.
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3.Blog title courtesy of Oscar Wilde, pseudonym Virginia Woolf, design JudithShakes.