The first time I ever visited Peter's parents, I was totally thrown off by the various post-it notes stuck on random surfaces throughout their house. The one on the door said simply, "Be sure to close me." The one in the broom closet said, "Do not lean mop heads on wall." The one in the laundry room, "Pull lint trap out slowly." The was even one on the toilet lid that said, "Nothing but toilet paper please."

It reminded me of the info plaques at the museum…

Or necessary reminders for the simple.

Being an English major and all, you'd think I'd have picked up on the foreshadowing.

{Honey, this is your official and PUBLIC reminder that you will be watching the kids on Friday. This means that I expect no more blank looks and weird little floating question marks hanging about your head whenever I mention Twilight. Got it? Kthanxbai.}

I have nothing to blog about. Really.

It's actually kind of depressing.

But I'm officially holding out for the Twilight opening. And I really really really want to see that movie. So I'm trying my best to keep an eye on my karma and not offend whoever it is that hands out the luck around here. [Insert flashbacks of The Boleyn Incident] So instead of giving some thought-provoking post on how to remove lipstick stains from leather boots and how such an act would fix the economy and give you shiny hair in the process, I'm including a copy of a recent text conversation that I had with my sister while sitting outside [in my car] of the urgent care clinic that she simply had to go to in the middle of the night because she was on death's door or something.

I'm leaving out the part about the midgets, though. Karma, remember?

Judith: You still alive????

Sick Sister: No, I'm dead.

Judith: LOL. I text dead people.

Sick Sister: Ur stupid. Stuupid.

Judith: yeah. Movie quotes will get you no where. (Plus I only have a limited amount of texts.)

Sick Sister: Saw the nurse. Waiting on the dr.

Judith: Okay. I'm still here.

Sick Sister: U should come in here. i have my own tv.

Judith: I have my own book. I win.

Sick Sister: U suck.

Judith: :)

Sick Sister: Did you just waste a text sending me a smiley face?

Judith: Well it was better than wasting it on sending you this: !@W%E^&%&T*&T*&T*&%&^%^%$^%#$@#$@

Sick Sister: Stupid I say.

Judith: This is me ignoring you now. [Crickets]

Sick Sister: Stuck a big q-tip up my nose. Think they poked my brain.

Judith: Not possible. And ewwwwwwwwww.

Sick Sister: Gross, right?

Judith: Yup. And would you hurry up the fudge up already? I've got vats of Mexican penicillin at the house. The directions are all in Spanish, but I'll fix you for free.

Sick Sister: Saw the dr. They have to take the leg…

And then we talked about midgets.

Yeah…. I'm not going to get to see that movie, am I?

Demmit.

However, for those of you actually dedicated enough to read an entire blog post about an inane text conversation, the first person to identify the movie reference gets a nifty magnet. Oh. And the dead people one totally doesn't count. I'm easy in an entirely different manner, I assure you.

The Scene:

Fade in.

Judith stands in front of a purse display in a large department store. She clutches a fabulous little leather bag in her hands as she debates the importance of eating this month versus the importance of having this purse on her arm. Food is quickly losing.

Judith is momentarily distracted by the arrival of a small posse of giggling girls. She takes in the perky breasts, ugly shoes, and happy chit-chat about a "hawt guy" and how girl 1 (or maybe it was girl 2?) "doesn't usually do that kind of thing but made an exception this one time" and guesses their ages to be in the vicinity of 19 - 22 years old.

Posse of girls passes Judith by and stops near the table of the Loop's Andy Warhol-inspired totes. Since the act will allow her a few more precious moments of groping the purse that she CANNOT afford, Judith shamelessly eavesdrops on the conversation nearby:

girl 1: Oooooh… Look at these!!

girl 2: Those are cute. Look at the soup can one…

girl 3: Those really are cute!!! I wonder if I need one…

girl 1: [reading the label and tag] Andy Warhol? Who's Andy Warhol?

girl 3: Oh you know… He's that author. He wrote those books… [pauses as she searches *unsuccessfully* through her head for a title] You know! You'd recognize them if you saw them. They're really popular.

girl 1: Oh yeah! That Andy Warhol. Okay! I think that I've read a couple of his books.

girl 2: [nodding her head enthusiastically] Me too, they're really good.

girl 1 and 3 add their equally enthusiastically nodding heads to the mix.

girl 1: Ummmm, you guys?  Is that woman over there laughing at us?

Posse turns to look at Judith.

Judith: [pausing to catch her breath] Ummmm… Yeah. Yes, she is.

Fade out.

Judith's Uplifting Reminders for Feeling Better About the Fact That You're Flat Broke and Can't Afford That Purse That Would Look Absolutely Smashing on Your Arm #1:

At least you're not stupid.

The [rest of the] latest in the 365 project:

Booyah.

And then I do a happy dance.

And then I look forward to tomorrow.

Is it just me or does the world somehow seem a little more hopeful today?

"Dude, that gun shop has tasers. Like pink tasers. I so want a pink taser. Are you gonna buy me one?"

"Hmmmm."

"I mean, really, don't you think I need a taser? It'll, like, keep me safe and stuff…"

"Well, if you start working at night or something then, yeah, it would probably be a good idea. But there's no way in hell that I'm buying you a taser right now."

"Wha?!@?#? How come?"

"Judith, I'm not stupid. Who do you think will be the first person to get tased whenever you get pissed off? And keep in mind that you get pissed off a lot."

"I promise I won't tase you. CROSS MY HEART."

"Yeah, whatever."

"No realllllly. I promissssse not to tase you. Ever."

"Uh-huh… And when I'm writhing on the floor in pain after being tased with a pink pocket-sized taser by my lovely wife, and I'm looking up at you saying, "You promised not to ever tase me!" You know what you'll say?"

"What?"

"I lied. Then you'll probably tase me again. Whore."

"… yeah. I probably would."

We have obviously been married too long.

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