Which really shocked me.

Since I was going to see Twilight.

And I really wanted to see Twilight.

And I, like, never really get anything I want without surviving a disaster or two first.

But as I was saying, there were no natural disasters in Madison.

And I actually got to see Twilight.

And now you get a review.

Joy.

---

You know that little page at the end of the novel that says, "Stay tuned for the next installment of Whateverthehellitis you just read. Coming three years from now. If you're lucky, that is…"?  Well, I loathe that little page for several reasons: 1.) I'm impatient as all hell and 2.) I'm impatient as all hell. So instead of hopping on the Twilight train when all of the original buzz originally generated, I waited to read any of the series until she released the last book.

Which means that, up until then,  every time someone or another wanted to dish all about what Edward and Bella did on page whatever in book whichever, I found myself covering my ears with both hands and reciting the Gettysburg Address loud enough to drown out all of the heartfelt "I love me some brooding emo vampire" statements that seemed to be coming from every female in a thousand mile radius between the ages of twelve and ninety-two.

Of course, this didn't work for many reasons. For one thing, I don't know the Gettysburg Address. For another, the act of putting your hands over your ears doesn't really keep you from hearing squat.

Which probably explains why my toddler once said, "Use your damn blinker, douchebag" to the lady in front of us in the grocery aisle.

And why I was excited to start reading about some brooding emo vampire.

I puffy-hearted Angel, after all.

So I bought all four books at once, thanked the good Lord for my insomnia and imported chocolate, and took one very tiny leap back into the mindset of an emotional teenage girl.

And, lo and behold, I enjoyed them. They were perfect *young* adult escapism fiction with an interesting take on the whole vampire/human girl who doesn't fit in saga. (Aside: Is anyone else as tired of the whole "we only write about vampires or Tudor history" theme found at your local bookstore as I am? Because seriously, folks, it's time to move on.) And as long as you weren't flipping open those jackets in search of a Great Gatsby or a Puck, it was all good in a "totally worth letting the kids eat Cheetos for breakfast this one morning" sort of way.

Then I read about the movie…

And thought, "Oh. I like her. And he's got good hair. "

Then I saw the trailer…

And thought, "Hmmm… straight out of the book scenes. Could be decent."

Then I waited in line for thirty minutes between two herds of giggling teenage girls in order to get tickets…

And thought, "Not expecting Gatsby, remember?"

Then I spent two hours trying to figure out which herd of teenagers would complain the least when I stepped on their toes whilst trying to make my escape…

First off (Yes, we're finally at the part where I actually talk about the movie. Thank you for your patience.), I can't imagine how anyone who has NOT read this book and therefore hasn't already developed some sort of relationship with the characters can find it at all entertaining.  Sticking to Meyer-like stunted dialogue definitely helped to maintain the same sort of teenage-angst-ridden feel on which the books were based, but it did absolutely nothing towards developing the characters themselves. Especially since the only reason that the stunted dialogue was a success in the novels is because it was accompanied by the proper settings, thought processes, and various other useful techniques of advancing a plot properly.

Of course, a lot of those aforementioned techniques don't really translate well on screen and thus must be conveyed in some other appropriate manner such as… I don't know… better dialogue?? Whatever. Which Twilight failed to offer. So much so, that it's almost as if the film gave its audience two slices of bread to make the sandwich* but left the meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayo in the book.

Which isn't at all satisfying from this end.

Unless you've already eaten the meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayo by READING. THE. DAMN. BOOKS.

Even then, you're still faced with less than par acting (Pattinson "overdid" the majority of his part but was pretty charming in a few moments when he was more relaxed), really bad make-up (and I'm not referring to the required coating of pale for the undead but to Bella's odd eyeshadow placement), and the overzealous use of the clairol on a bunch of people who make terrible blondes.

All in all, I wasn't thrilled and was far more entertained by the audience of teenagers who loudly reacted thorughout the movie at the most odd moments than by the film itself. (Although, I really liked the random old horror film montages that they threw in on occasion and the soundtrack- which was pretty damned decent.)

Still… here's to hoping that the next one will be better.

And there'll totally be a next one.

And I'm looking forward to seeing it.

Because, let's face it, it's that or potty-training. And even bad acting and whining vampires beat shit.

I hope.

---

*Please feel free to replace the sandwich with your favorite metaphor. I tend to just use whatever pops in my head first… And the apple was obviously already taken.

The first time I ever visited Peter's parents, I was totally thrown off by the various post-it notes stuck on random surfaces throughout their house. The one on the door said simply, "Be sure to close me." The one in the broom closet said, "Do not lean mop heads on wall." The one in the laundry room, "Pull lint trap out slowly." The was even one on the toilet lid that said, "Nothing but toilet paper please."

It reminded me of the info plaques at the museum…

Or necessary reminders for the simple.

Being an English major and all, you'd think I'd have picked up on the foreshadowing.

{Honey, this is your official and PUBLIC reminder that you will be watching the kids on Friday. This means that I expect no more blank looks and weird little floating question marks hanging about your head whenever I mention Twilight. Got it? Kthanxbai.}

I have nothing to blog about. Really.

It's actually kind of depressing.

But I'm officially holding out for the Twilight opening. And I really really really want to see that movie. So I'm trying my best to keep an eye on my karma and not offend whoever it is that hands out the luck around here. [Insert flashbacks of The Boleyn Incident] So instead of giving some thought-provoking post on how to remove lipstick stains from leather boots and how such an act would fix the economy and give you shiny hair in the process, I'm including a copy of a recent text conversation that I had with my sister while sitting outside [in my car] of the urgent care clinic that she simply had to go to in the middle of the night because she was on death's door or something.

I'm leaving out the part about the midgets, though. Karma, remember?

Judith: You still alive????

Sick Sister: No, I'm dead.

Judith: LOL. I text dead people.

Sick Sister: Ur stupid. Stuupid.

Judith: yeah. Movie quotes will get you no where. (Plus I only have a limited amount of texts.)

Sick Sister: Saw the nurse. Waiting on the dr.

Judith: Okay. I'm still here.

Sick Sister: U should come in here. i have my own tv.

Judith: I have my own book. I win.

Sick Sister: U suck.

Judith: :)

Sick Sister: Did you just waste a text sending me a smiley face?

Judith: Well it was better than wasting it on sending you this: !@W%E^&%&T*&T*&T*&%&^%^%$^%#$@#$@

Sick Sister: Stupid I say.

Judith: This is me ignoring you now. [Crickets]

Sick Sister: Stuck a big q-tip up my nose. Think they poked my brain.

Judith: Not possible. And ewwwwwwwwww.

Sick Sister: Gross, right?

Judith: Yup. And would you hurry up the fudge up already? I've got vats of Mexican penicillin at the house. The directions are all in Spanish, but I'll fix you for free.

Sick Sister: Saw the dr. They have to take the leg…

And then we talked about midgets.

Yeah…. I'm not going to get to see that movie, am I?

Demmit.

However, for those of you actually dedicated enough to read an entire blog post about an inane text conversation, the first person to identify the movie reference gets a nifty magnet. Oh. And the dead people one totally doesn't count. I'm easy in an entirely different manner, I assure you.

The Scene:

Fade in.

Judith stands in front of a purse display in a large department store. She clutches a fabulous little leather bag in her hands as she debates the importance of eating this month versus the importance of having this purse on her arm. Food is quickly losing.

Judith is momentarily distracted by the arrival of a small posse of giggling girls. She takes in the perky breasts, ugly shoes, and happy chit-chat about a "hawt guy" and how girl 1 (or maybe it was girl 2?) "doesn't usually do that kind of thing but made an exception this one time" and guesses their ages to be in the vicinity of 19 - 22 years old.

Posse of girls passes Judith by and stops near the table of the Loop's Andy Warhol-inspired totes. Since the act will allow her a few more precious moments of groping the purse that she CANNOT afford, Judith shamelessly eavesdrops on the conversation nearby:

girl 1: Oooooh… Look at these!!

girl 2: Those are cute. Look at the soup can one…

girl 3: Those really are cute!!! I wonder if I need one…

girl 1: [reading the label and tag] Andy Warhol? Who's Andy Warhol?

girl 3: Oh you know… He's that author. He wrote those books… [pauses as she searches *unsuccessfully* through her head for a title] You know! You'd recognize them if you saw them. They're really popular.

girl 1: Oh yeah! That Andy Warhol. Okay! I think that I've read a couple of his books.

girl 2: [nodding her head enthusiastically] Me too, they're really good.

girl 1 and 3 add their equally enthusiastically nodding heads to the mix.

girl 1: Ummmm, you guys?  Is that woman over there laughing at us?

Posse turns to look at Judith.

Judith: [pausing to catch her breath] Ummmm… Yeah. Yes, she is.

Fade out.

Judith's Uplifting Reminders for Feeling Better About the Fact That You're Flat Broke and Can't Afford That Purse That Would Look Absolutely Smashing on Your Arm #1:

At least you're not stupid.

The [rest of the] latest in the 365 project:

Booyah.

And then I do a happy dance.

And then I look forward to tomorrow.

Is it just me or does the world somehow seem a little more hopeful today?