• The warning on the back of that tube of Clinique Thermal-Active Skin Refiner that says, "Avoid eye area." actually means: "If you're clumsy enough to get this shit in your eye, then you no doubt deserve the fires of hell that are currently burning through your retina. No, the pain won't stop anytime soon. And, yes, you may be blind by the time it's through… But your skin will look nice. Oh, wait? You're on your period? Oh, well, then scratch that skin looking nice bit — and just be glad you didn't get it in both eyes. Bet you'll pay more attention to the label next time, huh, dumbass???"

• Jason Patric once had a mullet. That makes it sort of hot in a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon sort of way.

• You will never fully understand that middle bit  in Across the Universe no matter how many times you watch it. So give it up already.

• No one but you would find it funny to name a set of triplets Spit, Spat, and Spittle. So give that up too.

• Seven and half if they're on sale. Nine if they're on clearance… but sixes? Not happening, honey. Not. Happening. Now stop crying and give the nice lady her box back.

• Your minivan is NOT cool..

• No, really, your minivan is NOT cool.  No matter what you name her it.

• The fact that the ledge in the shower in the new house is smaller than your pinkie toe is not an excuse to only shave a part of your leg.

• The fact that your favorite pumps only show three toes [per foot] is, however, a great excuse not to paint two of them.

• Legwarmers are back. WooHoo. Now you can be just as cool as your mini-van. Again.

• Concentrated laundry detergent was made for people who think that 'less is more'. You are not one of those people.

• Remember which door you used to enter Walmart.  Because it doesn't matter how many times you press that little button on your key chain in an effort to find where you parked, it won't work if you're on the other side of the lot. And you'll only manage look more confused and lost than usual.  And, yes, that is definitely possible.

• Only supermodels should throw cell phones at people. You are not a supermodel– use a bat. Or a jar of peanut butter. Both make a lovely "thud".

• Never trust an ugly vampire or a friendly mother-in-law.  One is simply the figment of someone's less than pretty imagination, and the other is a figment of yours.

• If you call everyone "Dude", chances are that your children will call everyone "Dude" as well.  This will actually be sort of cool, in a non-minivan sort of way.

• Epiphanies are those things that are born the moment after your mother tells you that she watches The Hills.  And, like having a child, your life will be completely different from that moment on. Trust me.

…To be continued, I'm sure.

Be sure to visit Sarcastic Mom for more Weekly Winners!

I should probably preface this by saying that I turned 29 a few weeks ago. This, of course, makes me a Libra. Now here's the part where I can pretend to be all that is knowledge and coolness and tell you a bit about how Libras are special in one form or another and how the following blog post is reflective of the personality traits bestowed upon me by the stars under which I was born…

Or I could just admit that the closest I've ever come  to being all that is knowledge and coolness in terms of astrology is that day when I almost got a set of scales tattooed on my shoulder out of boredom, and the only reason I mentioned "Libras" is so that I mention a hot tattoo guy.

And he was hot.

Trust me.

And now that we've established my age as well as my affinity for hot tattoo guys, let's move on to the question of the day:

How many times did you watch Johnny and Baby do the dirty dance before you realized that that money from Daddy was for an illegal abortion?

No, really, it's an important question that I've pondered for some time. It's not quite as pressing as whether or not I can see Russia from my house, of course, but still…

Taking into account that the movie was released in 1987, my age, and the overall quality of parental supervision during that time where my mother absolutely loathed exercising but looked so damn good in a leotard that she taught six aerobics classes a week; I'm going to hazard a guess of at least a hundred, maybe two.

And I'm going to throw in well over 300 viewings of Grease before I had enough knowledge *ahem* under my belt to fully understand that "chicks'll cream" line.

Yes, we can lay it all at the feet of "you were too young to be watching movies like that anyhow". But the fact remains that I did— And, looking back at all of the hours spent in front of the television dialoguing along with the characters while perfecting the John Travolta in the bleachers hand point, somehow it just doesn't seem… fair. Like I was deprived of something. (Surely not the joys of an intricate plot or anything, but something, you know?)

Which is why I'd like to officially give thanks to Dolly Parton and the Chicken Ranch— who were kind enough to take pity on unsupervised children like myself and brave enough to skip the implied and innuendos altogether. After all, it may have taken me ten years to understand why Penny's doctor with the fold-out table stabbed her in the stomach…

But even I got that Texas had a whorehouse in it.

And that Aggie boys were made by dancing in their underwear in the backyard.

Testing…

One… Two… Three.

Can you guys hear me alright out there in the cheap seats? Great. Then let's get this party started, shall we?

Welcome to my first official post from Alabama. Madison, Alabama to be exact. It's a very nice little place just outside of Huntsville whose points of interest include a movie theater that serves both alcohol and sushi, a friendly neighborhood Starbucks barista who insists on giving me free coffee (yippee), and a babysitter in guise of a sister.

A babysitter.

Now, let me be perfectly clear here:

Shoe shopping without any spending money is depressing.

However, shoe shopping without any spending money while you're sipping on your free venti no-whip mocha with an extra shot while your children are happily spending a few hours with someone else is orgasmic.

Alabama  is also home to a bit of family— particularly my mother, two sisters (One fairly normal. The other often referred to as the "cracked egg"), and my niece. Therefore, there has been an inhumane amount of screaming, fit-pitching, name-calling, and all out insanity over the last few weeks… Just like the good ol' days.

By the by, did you know that "Ring Around the Rosie" is actually about the bubonic plague???

It seems that one of the early signs of the plague was a rosie red rash with a dark ring around it…  And since the common belief was that the illness was brought on by bad smells, people carried around poseys and other small bushels of flowers to serve as a counteraction.

That "ashes, ashes" part actually refers to what was left after the mass cremations, of course.

Humph.

I guess it just goes to show that a little tune and a  clever verse or two can make any kind of situation (even the plague) a little more joyful.

Now if only I could figure out something that rhymes with "How in the hell did I forget that my family is totally insane? Isn't that why I've been living so far away from them for so long? Is free Starbucks really worth all of this? And where did I put that bottle of vodka…"

Goodbye boring Bald Knob.

Hello Alabama.

Now… I'm not entirely sure how the redneck hierarchy works, but I think that I just may be moving on up in the grand scheme of things.

Summary:

I'm in the process of moving and have been breathing and sleeping cardboard boxes and packing tape for the last week. I'll be back soon.

I hope.

(They do have internet in Alabama, right?)

(P.S. My birthday happens to be coming up next week, and if anybody who is *required by blood or marriage* to buy me a gift happens to be reading this blog , I'd really like the new Estee Lauder perfume. *hint. hint.*)