That fun little vibrator with the rabbit ears.

For those of you who didn’t know, my now usual Saturday nights are of a much different color than those of a few years past. The arts of happy barhopping and topless table-dancing (kidding… I’m far too clumsy to attempt it from the height of a tabletop) have been duly replaced with such treasures as repetitive channel-flipping and cheesy novel-reading. Two in the morning usually finds me curled up in my bed searching the program guide for something at least a tiny bit interesting to watch. This usually means back-to-back episodes of Roseanne, or, if my luck proves fortunate, a fabulous marathon of terrible horror movies that keep me in giggles all night.

Last Saturday, however, had a special little surprise in store for yours truly… Dish Network offers a channel specifically geared toward a male audience. A corporate response to Lifetime and WE, if you will.  The minds behind such a great venture decided to call this channel… drum roll, please… The Men’s Channel. Smart little nabobs, aren’t they? The Men’s Channel, “a network for enthusiasts”, offers a “diverse editorial mix” that includes such gems as Heath Painter’s Game & Gear Adventures, Sport’s Ear, and, my personal favorite, Southern Backwoods Adventures. Moments of Truth, they ain’t.

The Men’s Channel is offered as part of Dish Network’s basic/extended programming package and requires no special type of subscription or extra fees. It has, thereby, floated quietly beneath the radar for channels that need to be blocked from the eyes of my small children who can work this damn remote better than me list. Needless to say, I was a tad bit bothered when the words Shop Erotic came scrolling by in the program guide. Expecting a cheesier form of skin-emax (can we say USA UP ALL-NITE with Rhonda Whatsherface from back in the day?), I was pleasantly surprised to find the words “home shopping program” in the little blue info box. Home Shopping? Aww, c’mon, you’d have watched it too. Shop Erotic is set-up much the same as QVC and The Home Shopping Channel; except, instead of vacuum cleaners and Susan Lucci, it specializes in high-quality “adult products”. We’re talking double-dongs and vibrating panties, sweethearts. Throw in the low prices, gender-specific phone lines, and nightly “specials” and we’re talking Emmy here as well. Not to mention, our delightful hosts that make it all worth while. The cute little brunette in glasses, who obviously enjoys her job and offers insightful “just used it my dressing room” details about each product, spends much of the show having to speak over and correct her business-skirt-toting counterpart who kept referring to the latex as fabric. I counted six rolled eyes and four dirty looks in one half-hour segment. Priceless. To make things even better, the business skirt chick kept describing one toy as offering “double stimulation” while the other girl kept interrupting with the words “TRIPLE stimulation. This one is anal too…” I watched all four episodes.

So, if you find yourself at home on a Saturday night and the infomercial on Oxy Clean just isn’t cutting it, I suggest you make a little trip on over to the land of men and strap-ons. But it does put a new twist on the title Southern Backwoods Adventures, now doesn’t it….?

Happy Viewing