Saturday, August 2, 2008 | 39 responses | Filed Under: Daily
I'll be honest, the real title of this post is "The Free Judith, Fuckface Capaign", but I found myself uncommonly concerned about using profanity in my titles so many times in one week.
It makes me seem like a foul-mouthed, vulgar sort of gal…
And I'm not one to be so giving of the right impression and all.
However, it has come to my attention that perhaps I was a little too giving of one major thing in my life:
My freedom.
(Did you read it in the voice???? No? Okay, let's try it again. Don't mess it up this time, you hear? )
My FREEDOM!!!!!
Oh God, you say, what have you done now ? And how much should we raise for bail?
And I say, No- nothing like that, I swear. But before we go into any of the gory details, I feel that I should post a warning of sorts, you know, for those of you in the virgin white:
The following post contains words, names, and maybe even a few gestures that many people may consider to be "husband-bashing". Around here, we call it foreplay. Readers with weak constitutions, heart troubles, kidney problems, or big ol' sticks up their asses should head on back down to happypuppykittyrainbowland without delay. For those of you who don't give a shit and choose to continue on to glory, you hereby agree to hold Judith and The Only I Know, its affiliates, partners, and gold fish not responsible for any damages, stains, or communicable diseases that may occur as a result.
And now that that's out of the way…
I married a fuckface.
Who is keeping me prisoner.
In Bald Knob, Arkansas.
This is not a joke.
Send help.
And vodka.
Posthaste.
I woke this morning to find that my husband, the fuckface, left for his softball tournament in my "cool because it's so uncool" minivan. Normally, this would not be such a big deal… except that my purse (and subsequently my cash, my credit cards, my drum of advil, and my favorite lip gloss) left with him.
Which means that, once again, the little ol' wifey is stuck at home with nothing to do and no where to go while "Mister Neener Neener I have friends and you don't because I actually have opportunities in which I meet people over the age of ten and you're stuck in the house covered in spit-up and piss each and every day pining away for a real life again in a place where you actually know people who could watch the kids while you take a break and have a little fun that doesn't revolve around naptimes and diaper changes but I'm not moving anywhere no matter how miserable you are because THE DUCK HUNTING IS GOOD so there" is out and about making flower garlands in fields of butterflies for all I know… all in my damn mini-van.
And having fun.
And me?
I married a fuckface.
Who is keeping me prisoner.
In Bald Knob, Arkansas.
We've been here for almost five years now… I have NO friends within an eight hour drive. The nearest Starbucks is forty minutes away. This is a dry county. I haven't worn lipstick in months. I can't remember the last time I had a face-to-face conversation with another adult who didn't look as if I were speaking in tongues, or danced on a bar while debating politics (it's possible, I assure you), or heard live music, or visited a museum, or talked for hours about nothing with some stranger who happened to be standing next to me in the bookstore, or just spent a day by myself doing absolutely nothing that pertains to the happiness of a four-year-old…
I'm bloody miserable.
And, demmit, it's all his fault. (Yes, I see the flaws in that logic… but do you really think it's a good idea to argue with a woman who lives forty minutes away from the nearest Starbucks? Ummmm… no.)
Thus, I am instigating the Free Judith, Fuckface Campaign that has one mission and one mission only:
To free Judith.
That's me.
Want to help save me from a padded room or the prison cell which will no doubt be my home once I finally snap and bludgeon him with my favorite frying pan and then stick his body in a bathtub full of lye? Fuckfaces are notoriously concerned with the opinion of the public, didn't you know? So join in on the campaign by doing any and all of the following:
- Send an email to your local fuckface (theman@judithshakespeare.com) demanding that Judith be given an equal amount of "adult" time each week in which she may do whatever the hell she pleases.
- Sign the Mister Linky Free Judith Petition below showing your support for the cause (no post or anything required).
- Kidnap me for an extended European getaway in which we will make-out in front of Jim Morrison's tombstone every day for a week.
- Move to Arkansas and be my friend. *Sniff*
Free Judith.
That's me.
And I married a fuckface.
This is not a joke.
August 2, 2008
Bloody brilliant blog! Sorry that you are stuck today. :(
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August 4th, 2008
I puffy heart being referred to as 'bloody brilliant'.
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August 4th, 2008
Great! Now I know how you win your puffy heart.
;)
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August 4th, 2008
I mean, to win
lol
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August 2, 2008
I will most definitely sign the petition, but do online petitions really work? Nevermind because in this case, of course it will.
I will have to admit, I chuckled, a little bit…okay maybe a lot. We will free youuuuuuu!!
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August 4th, 2008
Online petitions are bunk.
But they make me feel better. After all (and I'm quoting her here), it's all about "Courtney, Courtney, Courtney".
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August 4th, 2008
I'm sooo going to make the picket signs.
*off to do work*
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August 4th, 2008
I'll bring the bullhorn and wetnaps.
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August 2, 2008
We will free you! Time for a road trip!!
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August 4th, 2008
…waiting patiently. :)
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August 2, 2008
I'm trying to move us closer, I was just talking to hubby about it today. Oh and he told me to remind you that we still having an opening for Second Wife here, you'd have to bring in a paycheck but we provide free daycare ….. LOL
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August 4th, 2008
Dude, I don't know if I'm second wife material… That's the one that takes care of all of the kids, right? Yeah, I want to be the one that does the scheduling.
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August 5th, 2008
No, no, no honey…..second wife at our house is the working mom.
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August 2, 2008
Oh my…Now, you'll have to forgive me, sometimes I live in happypuppykittyrainbowland (I just had to type it, it made me chuckle). It's not so bad, but I peeked my head out and read on;) I can not move to Arkansas…simply can not. You should move the gang to The Big City! There's tons to do while the man duck hunts in the park downtown (there is not duck hunting in The Big City, but we don't have to tell him that….shhhh). I don't think a European vaca. is in my budget, but how about Vegas (we could stay at the Paris Hotel), close enough…right?
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August 4th, 2008
Vegas, it is. I'm packing now.
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August 2, 2008
Oh dear. I'm a brand new reader. This was both hysterical, and sad, because I feel similarly. Not too similarly, but similarly. But I have PDD. I'm now counting my blessings. Among them: (1) I live a mere 30 minutes from the nearest Starbucks, but have two local coffee shops. (2) I live only 40 minutes from Nashville (and hence, museums, liberals, etc.). (3) My husband does not hunt. Duck or otherwise.
The good news is, I live in TN and I'll be your friend! I'm still nursing so can't drive to you without the baby (which would defeat the purpose), but if your husband ever comes back with your so-uncool-it's-cool minivan, you can come here and we can find a bar to dance on.
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August 4th, 2008
Tennessee is pretty damn close, right? Good. I'm coming for the weekend.
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August 2, 2008
Dood, I would so hang out with you. And do bulk runs to the liquor store. And Starbucks. And up until last year it was an hour to the nearest Starbucks so I definitely feel your pain.
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August 4th, 2008
I can't decide which makes me happier… the thought of bulk runs to the liquor store or to Starbucks. Must *ponder * this.
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August 2, 2008
Oh my hell. Bad Peter, Bad Bad Peter. You'd think after all this time he would have learned.
Love the new header for August.
Dear God it's an online Petition :-)
You never know where the next promotion will take us, we could very well be near you :-) Wouldn't that be a hoot.
I can send dark chocolate covered coffee beans to snack on. i have one bag left and I'll totally give it up for my imprisoned friend. :-)
I know that you will mete out the proper punishment to Peter and his "20 inches" *snort*
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August 4th, 2008
Those beans were sooooo awesome. I still dream about them, you know. BUT your dad still owes me a hot australian… regardless of the fact that he's back home.
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August 2, 2008
i'll be right there, honey!!!!!! dont move a muscle!!!!!
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August 4th, 2008
Janet!!! Where are you? I've been standing here for daaaayyyysss….
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August 2, 2008
Well, I signed the thing, didn't write the email because I would just vent (you know, I am in the same position as you are…800 miles away from closest friends or family and potential babysitters), can't move to Arkansas (I did my time in the South and have vowed to never go back, can't break my vow!!!), and don't have the money to whisk you away to Europe.
So, I signed the linky thing. ;-)
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August 4th, 2008
Vows are meant to be broken, dear… Sorry that you're stuck, honey. I know it's tough with a new baby. :(
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August 2, 2008
I signed your petition.If it works let me know I need one.To make you feel better I live in West Virginia and the closest Starbucks is at least 1 1/2 hours away.And sorry about the vodka I am using mine right now.Love your titles don't change a thing.
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August 4th, 2008
And I thought I had it bad with a forty minute drive. I'm so sorry, honey. Should I send you some more vodka?? I think that I'll start buying it in bulk… :)
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August 2, 2008
And THIS is precisely why I should have ordered some bling from you when I had the chance — because I had this idea of having a little button sporting a pair of chocolate martinis that I could give to friends in need of any kind of show of friendship. And THEN, I could have sent you those martinis, and we could have had a nice cozy little virtual chat while sipping them. BUT, I didn't ask you to make me that bling because I'm dumb and forgot in all the hyperventilating over the loveliness of the new header, and NOW I can't send you just EXACTLY what you need. -sigh- But my intentions are good.
And my shoes and I will totally meet you at a bar for some dancing and French Martinis some time. If only we can figure out what's halfway between AR and MI.
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August 4th, 2008
You know that wallpaper on Willy Wonka that you can lick and taste??? Yeah, I wish I could make buttons like that…
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August 2, 2008
And if you have bumper stickers, I will proudly display one on my vehicle because I whole-heartedly support this cause!
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August 4th, 2008
I've always wanted to be on a bumpersticker… LOL
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August 3, 2008
….I think you should move to Alabama…The land of promise ….It promises to give you endless opportunities …..what kind???? well……you know! … but you would have lots more to blog about!
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August 4th, 2008
I'm seriously desperate enough to take you seriously about that comment… That I'm willing to move anywhere near next to you know who should tell you something.
You know who probably reads this blog too… So now I'll be getting a phone call. Thanks, Nanny.
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August 4, 2008
OK SO seriously! Come visit me! There is a starbucks 2 minutes from my house! And I live on an Army post no less!!!! I didn't read all the responses but I am sure there are other invites but mine is the coolest cause I AM THE COOLEST. Ok so I am boring and I have 3 spawn crawling on me so maybe JUST MAYBE I could use some female companionship and mass quantities of Starbucks too! See it would be a JOINT rescue!!!
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August 6, 2008
A girl who likes vodka! I'm feeling your pain here because a long time ago this was me. Ok who am I kidding, as a hermit and a loner this is me now. Move to Canada. We're booming right now, we have Starbucks AND awesome vodka. It's all good here :o)
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August 7, 2008
How about the Texas Panhandle… I'm moving there soon. I know there's lots of hunting because my brothers hunt (okay, only one of them, but there is hunting year round) and you can hang with me and my family because we like to drink and ride four-wheelers…
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August 10, 2008
I live in Europe, so you can always come for a visit. They don't evenknow what a dry county is around here. I'm in Belgium…even their monks make beer. But hell no would I ever move to Arkansas. Ever.
Like, really. Never.
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August 17, 2008
Having just gotten my fuckface to relocate me back to the real world I more than sympathize with your plight. I do have one teensy bit of advice.
Join the local Moms Club International. (I know, I never would have joined one either, I am the Anti-Joiner. However, there are things to do, other moms to meet, and best of all the club hosts a Mom's Night Out once a month. Usually there is alcohol involved. In my experience, most of the moms have not come from stepford. The ones that have can be avoided by choosing to join only the book club and the cooking club, and skipping the scrap-booking club.)
You should see if they have one. You will make at least one cool friend, really nearby. And she will probably have a fuckface of her own, so she will be able to share your pain.
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August 27, 2008
I just now saw this . . . do we live in the same place? Well, I live on the edge of WV. Former city girl . . . in cow country. I'm doing a post on this whole thing soon. You and I have a lot in common.
I'm dyin' here . . .
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