Which really shocked me.

Since I was going to see Twilight.

And I really wanted to see Twilight.

And I, like, never really get anything I want without surviving a disaster or two first.

But as I was saying, there were no natural disasters in Madison.

And I actually got to see Twilight.

And now you get a review.

Joy.

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You know that little page at the end of the novel that says, “Stay tuned for the next installment of Whateverthehellitis you just read. Coming three years from now. If you’re lucky, that is…”?  Well, I loathe that little page for several reasons: 1.) I’m impatient as all hell and 2.) I’m impatient as all hell. So instead of hopping on the Twilight train when all of the original buzz originally generated, I waited to read any of the series until she released the last book.

Which means that, up until then,  every time someone or another wanted to dish all about what Edward and Bella did on page whatever in book whichever, I found myself covering my ears with both hands and reciting the Gettysburg Address loud enough to drown out all of the heartfelt “I love me some brooding emo vampire” statements that seemed to be coming from every female in a thousand mile radius between the ages of twelve and ninety-two.

Of course, this didn’t work for many reasons. For one thing, I don’t know the Gettysburg Address. For another, the act of putting your hands over your ears doesn’t really keep you from hearing squat.

Which probably explains why my toddler once said, “Use your damn blinker, douchebag” to the lady in front of us in the grocery aisle.

And why I was excited to start reading about some brooding emo vampire.

I puffy-hearted Angel, after all.

So I bought all four books at once, thanked the good Lord for my insomnia and imported chocolate, and took one very tiny leap back into the mindset of an emotional teenage girl.

And, lo and behold, I enjoyed them. They were perfect *young* adult escapism fiction with an interesting take on the whole vampire/human girl who doesn’t fit in saga. (Aside: Is anyone else as tired of the whole “we only write about vampires or Tudor history” theme found at your local bookstore as I am? Because seriously, folks, it’s time to move on.) And as long as you weren’t flipping open those jackets in search of a Great Gatsby or a Puck, it was all good in a “totally worth letting the kids eat Cheetos for breakfast this one morning” sort of way.

Then I read about the movie…

And thought, “Oh. I like her. And he’s got good hair. ”

Then I saw the trailer…

And thought, “Hmmm… straight out of the book scenes. Could be decent.”

Then I waited in line for thirty minutes between two herds of giggling teenage girls in order to get tickets…

And thought, “Not expecting Gatsby, remember?”

Then I spent two hours trying to figure out which herd of teenagers would complain the least when I stepped on their toes whilst trying to make my escape…

First off (Yes, we’re finally at the part where I actually talk about the movie. Thank you for your patience.), I can’t imagine how anyone who has NOT read this book and therefore hasn’t already developed some sort of relationship with the characters can find it at all entertaining.  Sticking to Meyer-like stunted dialogue definitely helped to maintain the same sort of teenage-angst-ridden feel on which the books were based, but it did absolutely nothing towards developing the characters themselves. Especially since the only reason that the stunted dialogue was a success in the novels is because it was accompanied by the proper settings, thought processes, and various other useful techniques of advancing a plot properly.

Of course, a lot of those aforementioned techniques don’t really translate well on screen and thus must be conveyed in some other appropriate manner such as… I don’t know… better dialogue?? Whatever. Which Twilight failed to offer. So much so, that it’s almost as if the film gave its audience two slices of bread to make the sandwich* but left the meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayo in the book.

Which isn’t at all satisfying from this end.

Unless you’ve already eaten the meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayo by READING. THE. DAMN. BOOKS.

Even then, you’re still faced with less than par acting (Pattinson “overdid” the majority of his part but was pretty charming in a few moments when he was more relaxed), really bad make-up (and I’m not referring to the required coating of pale for the undead but to Bella’s odd eyeshadow placement), and the overzealous use of the clairol on a bunch of people who make terrible blondes.

All in all, I wasn’t thrilled and was far more entertained by the audience of teenagers who loudly reacted thorughout the movie at the most odd moments than by the film itself. (Although, I really liked the random old horror film montages that they threw in on occasion and the soundtrack- which was pretty damned decent.)

Still… here’s to hoping that the next one will be better.

And there’ll totally be a next one.

And I’m looking forward to seeing it.

Because, let’s face it, it’s that or potty-training. And even bad acting and whining vampires beat shit.

I hope.

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*Please feel free to replace the sandwich with your favorite metaphor. I tend to just use whatever pops in my head first… And the apple was obviously already taken.