When Life Gives You Lemons, Don't Wipe Your Hoohoo with 'Em. . .

Running out of toilet paper sucks…

Running out of toilet paper sucks more than running out of diapers.

It sucks more than running out of milk or bread or coffee or (dare I say it?) vodka.

You know what sucks more than running out of toilet paper though? Running out of toilet paper AND paper towels AND tissue paper AND coffee filters AND anything remotely soft enough to handle my business without leaving behind a nasty paper cut or twelve.

Death, despair, pestilence, chaos and destruction… Pshaw.

This, dear reader, is what we call a true tragedy.

And to make it all more Shakespearean-like, my healthy supply of  drive-thru supplied napkins are in the console of my truck – MY TRUCK which is with HIM because HE likes it more than HIS truck, which I incidentally cannot use due to my ability to properly drive a stick (much like my great ass and calculus skills) going out the window at the onset of ‘mommy brain’. His truck, of course, has no supply of drive-thru napkins because he has no ‘mommy brain’.

He has ‘daddy brain’.

Which means that I’d probably only find lots of empty Redbull cans and old porn. *

And wiping my hoohoo with either just seems uncomfortable and highly dirty.

So I guess it’s just me and this pack of anti-bacterial wipes that smell awfully like formaldehyde-flavored lemons.. Which I’m fairly certain will take that not-so-fresh-feeling to a whole new level of  goddamnmylifesucks.

Wish me luck…

*Yes, the statement about the daddy brain leading to Redbull and porn was totally sexist… but you totally deserved it after snickering about me and my inability to drive a stick, and you know it.

** Oh! And did ‘ya miss me?

November 8, 2010
Categories: Daily, Eat Me, Martha Stewart!, Only Judith
  • Good god woman, I’d thought you’d drowned in that toilet! Where HAVE you been????

    And I thought *I* was getting bad about posting…

    • Judith Shakespeare

      If it counts for anything at all… I wrote at least 500 blog posts in my head.

      ‘Course, I’ve forgotten them all.


  • Angie

    Bout damn time. What rock have you been hiding under!

    • Judith Shakespeare

      He’s not a rock… He’s my friend… And I named him George and even glued some googly eyes on him… isn’t he cute?

  • uh, hell yeah i missed you. where you been? hiding out while looking for drive-thru napkins?????

    • Judith Shakespeare

      Hiding out from my demon spawn is more like it… How are you, dear lady?

  • You’re back, and I’m commenting on a post about toilet humor. It’s like we never skipped a beat.

    • Judith Shakespeare

      The game may change… Missed you. :)

  • I’ve missed you like the desert misses the rain. Didja like that?

    My men folk seem to have missed the lessons on replacing the empty TP rolls. I have resorted to the Howard Hughes habit of wearing tissues boxes instead of slippers. I’m never without acceptable paper products.

    • Judith Shakespeare

      When we ever get around to sitting down for drinks together, remind me to slap you for getting that song stuck in my head. :)

      And of course you are never without acceptable paper products, you’re awesome… I’m just the chick with the lemon hoohoo.

  • Ahh… the dulcet sounds of our friend Judith – how we’ve missed thee!

    Wait a sec, who’m I kidding here!

    Damn good to see you posting again, now getcher ass back to regular blogging woman!

    • Judith Shakespeare

      Dude, I’m trying… really I am. I’m just damned uninteresting these days, lol.

  • lemon scented hoohoo? sounds like some kind of weird energy drink….

    Here’s to more posting from our Judith
    *raises glass of Lemon Scented Hoohoo*

1.©2010 by Courtney Hebert as Judith Shakespeare.
2.Subscribe to the feed, the comments or just the reviews.
3.Blog title courtesy of Oscar Wilde, pseudonym Virginia Woolf, design JudithShakes.