Wilson Was More Than Just a Volleyball, Demmit…

The Baby is NOT having a good day...

Where I come from, the word “yes” has two syllables…

The tea is sweet, the food is made of real butter, the mosquitoes are the size of dump trucks, Scarlett O’Hara is second only to the Virgin Mary…

And, during the summer, it’s 500 bloody degrees in the freaking shade.

So you’ll understand when I say that we spent all day Sunday sitting in front of the television watching a veritable marathon of movies full of kid-friendly life lessons and the occasional sexual innuendo that everyone assumes only the adults in the room will understand.

(And, yes, I know about the whole assumption spill… But in order to continue traveling gaily along this little path of pseudo-sanity that is motherhood, I’m going to hold tight to the belief that my nine-year-old doesn’t understand but every other third word in Shrek. You should too. Trust me.)

About four hours into this family marathon, we found ourselves watching Firehouse Dog for the umpteenth-millionth time.

They were delighted.

I was bored.

And a little ashamed every time that stupid dog barked and they all turned to look at me with sad little eyes as if I gave away their little dog that barked exactly the same way…

Of course, I’d just point at their daddy, shake my head a bit, and feel much better.

Judith’s Tips for Slacker Moms #237: Always divert the blame. If that doesn’t work, please see tip #238.

Judith’s Tips for Slacker Moms #238: Bribery is not a four-letter word: Never underestimate the power that a five dollar bill has on a toddler.

Midway through the movie, the little boy is sitting on his bed crying his heart out because he thought that his dad may have been killed…

Peter, ever the critical one, lifts his head a bit from my lap (because the word wife is synonymous with pillow obviously) and says,

“He’s not a very good cryer, is he?”


“…Is he?”


“Judith? Are you listening to me? He’s not a very good cryer, is he?”

Twisting his neck a bit to finally actually look at me for the first time in this little mid-movie conversation, he snorts a bit,

“But you are obviously.”

He then proceeds to cackle- yes, cackle- for a good thirty minutes and then well on into the opening credits of Finding Nemo.

I contemplated giving the silly man a firm shove to the floor, thereby vindicating both my misappropriated lap and my tears…

But decided to just walk away instead.

After all, that scene where the monster fish eats all of the baby fish is a rough one.

July 14, 2008
Categories: Daily, I Heart Demerol

1.©2008 by Courtney Hebert as Judith Shakespeare.
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3.Blog title courtesy of Oscar Wilde, pseudonym Virginia Woolf, design JudithShakes.