I once said that I’d never post a recipe on this blog (with the clear exception of those intended for smart-assery). Not that posting recipes is a faux pas of any sort- a bad habit or a clear-cut example of my hard-learned domesticity.

It’s just that my recipes never make a lick of sense straight out of the gate¹. You see, I have this really terrible anarchist streak² that rears its head at the oddest moments- like when I’m attempting to re-create Satan’s tamales or some fabulous recipe that Rachel has posted³.

Inevitably, that [Chicken Casserole Supreme]⁴ turns into my [Super Chicken on a Stick]⁵. And even though my [Super Chicken on a Stick] is all that is fabulous and divine, (after all, one mustn’t need be an actual genius to know everything, right?) it still isn’t [Chicken Casserole Supreme].

And demmit to all hell, it never looks like the freaking picture. But to get to the point already:

This cheesecake has made a liar out of me.

A big fat liar with an orange stain on her shirt.

I vaguely recall something being said about food and drink and merriness. So smile, for Barbie’s sake, thank God for your leftover Christmas pantry goods, overcome that silly fear of raw eggs, and get fat with me:

You’ll need: 3 pkg cream cheese, bag of gingersnap cookies, 2 sticks REAL butter, 3 eggs, lots of sugar, some nuts of some sort, canned pumpkin, 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour, and some caramel syrup.

Finely crunch the cookies (you’ll need about a cup and a half), throw them in a bowl with just enough melted butter to make them moist. Press the mixture into the bottom of a springform pan and bake them in the oven for about ten minutes or so to set.

Beat together (one ingredient at a time) softened cream cheese, 1/2 cup butter, granulated sugar at least a cup or so (TASTE UNTIL JUST RIGHT), 1 cup or so of canned pumpkin (TASTE UNTIL JUST RIGHT), flour, 1/2 cup or so of caramel syrup (TASTE UNTIL JUST RIGHT), and three eggs.

Pour mixture over crust, and place pan inside a roasting pan with a little water on the bottom. Bake at 325 for about an hour and twenty minutes.Let cool and then refrigerate overnight before serving.

Grab your nuts *snort* and cook them in a skillet on medium heat until warm, add a handful or two of sugar, stirring constantly until nuts are completely covered and sugar is melted. Spread them out on wax paper or sheet of foil to dry.

Now I’m not sure what this is supposed to look like exactly as my mom
called and left me the recipe on my voicemail… But I’ll be damned if that doesn’t look like a cheesecake.

I am awesome.

Footnotes: 1. Pun intended. Duh. 2. When I say "anarchist", I really mean docile housewife who enjoys blogging and posting various recipes online. When I say "I" "me" or "my", I am actually referring to "my friend". Under no circumstances, am I or this blog affiliated with anarchy. I swear it, Mr. Eavesdropping Government Official Man. 3. Or when I conspire to overthrow the reigning dick in office. 4. in order to protect the innocent, actual recipe names are withheld. 5. This work is a piece of fiction. All people, places, things, events described herein are works of the author’s imagination. Any relation to actual  persons, places, things, or events  is purely coincidental.