Eating Can Be a Fattening Hobby.(And other sage advice from Nancy Drew)

Hi! My name is Judith, and I am a book whore.

(Hmmmm… I really wanted to hyphenate that for some reason. Perhaps I’m a book-whore instead. Or maybe a bookwhore? Dude, it’s far too complicated to call oneself disparaging names in type. Makes a girl wanna opt for the golden standard of Goddess instead.)

Hi! My name is Judith, and I am a Goddess.

And now that we’ve got the introductions out of the way, I thought we’d move on to our regularly scheduled posting- which isn’t so regularly scheduled at all. (Did you know that I have an entire category called Excuses,Excuses solely for  posts where I blog about not blogging.  I’m afraid my hypocrisy irony knows no bounds.) Due to a little bit of this and a little bit of that, the design site is terribly behind; and I’ve been been playing non-stop catch-up… and getting no where.

Hi! My name is Judith, and I am frustrated beyond measure.

So what’s a frustrated, book-whorish Goddess such as myself to do? She gives it to you fast and hard, baby, and then promises to come back once you’re  able and give it to you long and soft hard… Just like you like it.

And without further adieu, I give you this week’s…

Fabulous Judith’s Fabulously Short List of Fabulously Short Posts that Never Were (or FJFSLFSPNW for short)

The Women’s Studies section of the local bookstore is a sad, sad, little three-inch section that consists of one used copy of The Feminine Mystique and two shiny new copies of The Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex, and Feminism (which I keep moving to the humor section, of course). Yet I return week after week on the off-chance that someone in their little hierarchy may have finally grown a uterus or a pair of decent balls (and to move the guidebook back to humor lest someone actually take it seriously).

As sad as the above section is, it just so happens to be right next to the reference section where. last week,  I just so happened to come across Classic Clues for Real Life: The Classic Wit & Wisdom of Nancy Drew– which more than made up for its $17 price tag with gems like these:

    • “Red lipstick makes a great window SOS when you’ve been kidnapped and stolen away on a plane.” The Mystery of the Fire Dragon
    • “Keeping an emergency five dollars in your purse is a great idea- until your purse is stolen.” The Mystery at the Ski Jump
    • “Be careful around your klutzy friends, you might get dragged over a cliff.” The Secret of the Golden Pavilion
    • “You know he’s the right guy for you when he can dismantle a mad scientist’s powerful transmitter and save the world!” Mystery of the Moss-Covered Mountain

Last Saturday, some dipshit and a half came into the backyard and stole Peter’s four-wheeler (I’ve mentioned that we’re hicks, right?). When telling the Middle One about the theft, he says with all seriousness, “I’ll need a Spiderman mask and some web.”

My ass is seriously out of control (Perhaps because I sit in front of a computer screen all day?). So, I started Nutri-System on Wednesday. I’m down three pounds in two days… The food isn’t to die for; but with nifty little packets of powder that magically turn into chocolate cakes and chicken enchiladas, I get to pretend to be an astronaut.  (Which isn’t at all as fun as I thought it would be.)

I’ve suddenly starting receiving CosmoGirl, Latina Magazine, Seventeen, and TeenVogue out of the blue… I have an odd feeling that someone is trying to tell me something, although I have no idea what. But according to the “Find Your Perfect Prom Date” quiz that I filled out, I’ve been dating the wrong kind of men for years.

It is my firm belief that every woman should know her  correct bra-size. If you don’t, I pity you. (Email me and I’ll tell you how to fit yourself.)

Finally had the “laminated list” conversation with the husband… Took him four hours to settle on Jessica Biel for all of his five spots. Took me four hours to narrow it down to five (who, unsurprisingly, all have delectable accents). Took us four seconds to narrow it down to who was the more wanton.

Now wasn’t that a good idea? :)

P.S. Do I have your address?  I’m also a stationary/notecard whore, ummmmm, stationary/notecard-whore and actually still practice the art of the written word (Oh the horror!). I already send random notes to Qweenie over at Qweenie’s Court and Rachel of Monkeys & Princesses. If you’d like a little Shakespearean love of your own, visit my Ask Judith section and leave me your info.

April 25, 2008
Categories: Only Judith

1.©2008 by Courtney Hebert as Judith Shakespeare.
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3.Blog title courtesy of Oscar Wilde, pseudonym Virginia Woolf, design JudithShakes.